Monday, April 28, 2008

Busy Part Deux

Remember how I made a post earlier this week to say that I was too busy to post? Yeah, well that still stands. All I have to say is that I'm throwing my parents a twenty fifth anniversary party this weekend. And let me tell you now that if in anytime in the next five years they decide to get divorced they owe me twenty dollars for every single person who shows up to this party that I have to feed.

So anyways, back to being busy I guess.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


I'm sorry that posts have been so scarce lately. I'm a bad person, I get it. Really, I do. But I've just been terribly busy attempting to complete some very important operations that are essential to my happiness. Operations, are as follows.

Operation: buy new Ipod (This one has been a roaring success. Or at least it had been until my male cousin came over and decided that what would be appropriate is to fill up that Ipod with free Internet porn. And some wonder why I don't generally associate with my family)

Operation: clean out my motherfucking car, has not been such a success. I have tried on several attempts, but with no victory. It's getting to the point in my backseat if you roll down the windows discarded McDonald's bags topple out of them. I'm sure the Louisiana Department of Litter thanks me, as does Al Gore.

Operation: Become Her Friend, is making steady progress. What you don't know about "Operation: Become Her Friend?" Well, you wouldn't would you? Because I haven't told anyone but Bryant, and he lives in fucking Guam, so he's not telling anyone.

Operation: Mentionitis is a side project of Operation: Become her friend. It is making small advances, but has recently come to a stand still. Must focus to make this one happen.

Operation: Find a Way to Turn My Hair Color Back To Brown, this one has been plaguing me for two weeks. Must find a solution, and soon.

Operations: Finish Reading "Stop Dressing Your Six Year Old Like A Skank!" by Celia Riverbark. Which is a hilarious book of short essays. You should pick it up, I got mine at Books a Million for under five dollars. What you don't have five dollars? Then I suggest you go to the sea wall, and start giving two dollar hand jobs to passerby. At that rate, you'll only have to do two and a half of them to afford it. And trust me it would be worth it.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Paint Me Black

I forgot to tell you that I dyed my hair this week. It was an impulse kind of thing I guess, I get like that sometimes. When I do things before I think them through. But, I like having black hair, it makes me feel mysterious, and deeper somehow. I have the cover of a lie if I want it, I can be a whole new person. but, I'll probably just stick with what I know, and that's same old Jordan. Anyways heres a picture for you to FEAST your eyes on.

I know what you're thinking..pretty sexy right? Yeah, well keep it in your pants this is a family place bitch.

Talk Dirty to Me

I was talking to my cousin earlier this week, and as I was rambling off on some tirade, she suddenly stopped me. "What the fuck are you talking about?" She asked suddenly, I was confused because I thought I had been clear, and then I thought back on what I had just said and realized how many slang terms that I had used. Slang terms that only a select group of people I know actually use on a daily basis. I never realized how much vernacular I actually use. And though I don't actually use a lot of it on here, I am going to define each and everyone of them for you here in case they ever come up in conversation.

1. Ugly, or otherwise disfigured.
2. To act retarded, or otherwise unrefined.

As used in a sentence:
Your face looks buck today.
I don't know what's wrong with him, he's being awfully buck.

Dyke cicle
1. An angry lesbian.

As used in a sentence:
Jordan, your new haircut makes you look like a dyke cicle.

-verb, adjective
1. The act of having sex with someone; trading bodily fluids with another.
2. Used to describes someones anatomical attributes.

As used in a sentence:
I had the best trade last night, it was amazing.
Dude, check out the trade on her!

Begonia May
-Proper Noun
1. Describing a bitch, southern belle type.

As used in a sentence:
I hate that bitch, she's such a Begonia May.

Dyke Mike
-Proper Noun
1. A male who after dating a girl finds out that she soon after turned into a lesbian.

As used in a real life situation:
I once dated a girl we will refer to as Hennifer Fobbs, and soon after she became a lesbian. Therefore I am a Dyke Mike.

True Story
-A turn of phrase
1. Another way of asking, are you for real, or are you fucking me?

As used in a sentence:
That really happened, true story?

-Proper Noun
1. Describing a girl with no personality of her own, acts like a leech and steals the personalities of those who she hangs out with.
2. A hanger on girl, who copies everything you say, think, or do.

As used in a sentence:
Allison, is so bland, she's such a fucking Debbie.
She likes everything I like, what a Debbie!

-Proper Noun
1. The male form of the proper noun Debbie.
2. A generic, hick, unattractive male.

As used in a setence
He won't leave me alone, he's such a Barney.
Why is she having sex with that Barney?

Well I hope that this list can be useful in deciphering me in the future.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Believe You Me

It's April first, and once again I'm the fool.