Pop Cultured: The Glamorization of Criminality

Preface: I know I haven't blogged in some time, I'm just too busy.  I know that's not a good excuse, just as it wasn't the other hundred times I've said it.  Between school work and my work at my university's newspaper The Contraband, I literally have no time, nor the urge to write anything else.  To hold you over until a time when I might be more willing to write something again, here are some pieces that originally appeared in The Contraband.  I write a weekly pop culture piece, sometimes they are funny, sometimes they're not trying to be.  Although I think if you look hard enough you'll see some of me in there.  I hope you enjoy them, as I'm posting them one right after the other.

I’ve been trying to figure out for the last year and half why Lindsay Lohan keeps trying to avoid jail time.  Basically the timeline of a typical month for Lohan looks like this: reckless behavior fueled by all of the crystal meth produced by the world’s largest trailer parks, she gets arrested due to reckless behavior;  she gets bailed out of jail within a matter of hours,  then gets slapped on the wrist, and repeat.   I’m just wondering why she’s even fighting it at this point.  You know that the Los Angeles county jail probably has a cell with her name on it, like a fancy dressing room.  I’m imagining it’s even set up with all the necessities she requires like an on-call female inmate named Ron who’s been taught to be a masseuse, and a marble toilet in which she can spew her bulimia into.  If I were Lohan I’d take the jail time.  Trust me, you’re not going to get any movie roles anytime in the foreseeable future, this would be a better use of your time, and uh “talents”. 

 I guess my biggest problem with the whole ordeal is the fact that as a society not only do we take celebrities and hold them up as Gods, but we also glamorize their criminal behavior.  For instance if you’re watching the five o’ clock news and see a woman addled by drugs in a high speed chase, you would judge her for it.  You would see a skanky drug user, as a skanky drug user.  But for public figures like Lohan, we can’t get enough of it.  We want to know what she wore (or didn’t wear) to court.  We want to know where she’s serving her sentence, we want to know how short of a sentence she’ll serve, and we want to know if she’s got any movies in the pipeline.  We want to see everything but some kind of punishment. 

              

  And it’s not just Lohan, in the past five years celebrities have gone from can-do-no-wrongs to hardened criminals.  Hell, in the past week rapper Soulja Boy has been arrested, and Hannah Montana co-star Michael Musso has been busted for a DUI.  And although admittedly neither of those celebrities are what you might call A-List, we don’t even seem to judge them for their bad behavior. 

Criminality is so glamorized these days that it’s even showing up in art.  The newly released music video for the aptly titled “Criminal” by Britney Spears plays as a Bonnie and Clyde-esque love letter to criminal behavior.  Within five minutes Spears and her real life boyfriend are shown: robbing a bank and a convenience store, stealing a car, having at least seven different kinds of shower sex, and then making out in the middle of a hailstorm of bullets.  It really makes a statement of: I am a celebrity and I can do what I want.  And that stands as true, because we let them. 

Pop Culture: Occupying Hollywood

Preface: I know I haven't blogged in some time, I'm just too busy.  I know that's not a good excuse, just as it wasn't the other hundred times I've said it.  Between school work and my work at my university's newspaper The Contraband, I literally have no time, nor the urge to write anything else.  To hold you over until a time when I might be more willing to write something again, here are some pieces that originally appeared in The Contraband.  I write a weekly pop culture piece, sometimes they are funny, sometimes they're not trying to be.  Although I think if you look hard enough you'll see some of me in there.  I hope you enjoy them, as I'm posting them one right after the other.

Things have been oddly quiet on the pop culture landscape this week.  The fact is unusual in a field that usually pronounces itself with loud outbursts, and PR stunts on an almost weekly basis.  This week no one has gone to court, no one has died, no one has been ousted as a vampire, and everyone has kept their clothes on.  I think it might have something to do with the somber national mood.  I’m not sure if you’ve heard as of yet, but people are occupying.  They are occupying Wall Street and saying loud things; things that some people do not want to hear.  So in a way, occupiers everywhere are the celebrities this week for finally getting noticed in a world whose news is usually being clogged by actual celebrities. 

The people who are picketing in Wall Street are doing something controversial.  I don’t want to get in to the specifics here, but I’m glad that someone is saying something.  Did you know that there’s actually a plan for an “Occupy Lake Charles” movement.  I’m guessing it’s a grassroots movement, and they’ve certainly gotten coverage on other local media outlets.  Although, on the subject of what they might be protesting, I have no clue; as far as I know Lake Charles is not the nation’s financial capital or anything. 

Because this is a pop culture column, I’d like to say that I wish celebrities would get involved with this occupying business. Not because I particularly want to hear what they have to say about financial reform, or their views on politics.  In fact I’d like to go on record to say that celebrities should never give their opinions on who they’d vote for President.  I’m sure President Obama would thank you for your endorsement Kim Kardashian, but I can decide on whom to vote for all on my own, thanks.

What I really mean is I wish celebrities would all come out in to the open, and start bitching about what it is that bothers them, instead of being their tight-lipped, strictly PR controlled selves.  I’m sure for the most part it would not be anything that is of concern to real human beings; and would likely be wildly hilarious.  I’d like to hear Paris Hilton complain that the discounts at Fred Segal are not what they used to be because of the economy.  I’d like to hear Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie complaining that the tariffs on adopting foreign children have gone up exponentially, and that they refuse to adopt a single other child until something is done about it.  I’d like to hear Lindsay Lohan (alleged drug user) to complain that in these unstable economic times she cannot get any movie roles, and that it is complicating her payment plan with her dealer.

Basically, I think that the people who are occupying Wall Street are setting a great example.  We should be talking.  We should be getting loud.  We should be making ourselves heard.  And celebrities should be taking their clothes off, so that I can have something to write about other than social issues.

Pop Cultured: Steve Jobs

Preface: I know I haven't blogged in some time, I'm just too busy.  I know that's not a good excuse, just as it wasn't the other hundred times I've said it.  Between school work and my work at my university's newspaper The Contraband, I literally have no time, nor the urge to write anything else.  To hold you over until a time when I might be more willing to write something again, here are some pieces that originally appeared in The Contraband.  I write a weekly pop culture piece, sometimes they are funny, sometimes they're not trying to be.  Although I think if you look hard enough you'll see some of me in there.  I hope you enjoy them, as I'm posting them one right after the other.

  
Do you remember a time when the word apple wasn’t ubiquitous with candy-colored, sleek technology?  I’m pretty sure that the word used to refer to something that grew on trees, and supposedly kept doctors away.  In fact the word has become so overtaken by the technology powerhouse of Apple Inc., that I’ve heard that in California (where the company’s headquarters in Cupertino are located) people are calling apple pie, just pie now.  Although as far as things go for the word apple’s public image, it can’t hurt for the red-skinned fruit to be confused with the most valuable company in the world, and the purveyor of all things that make life easier, and more stylish. 

   

This week has been filled with news of Apple Inc., both the good and the bad.  First speculation ran rampant on the details of the rumored to be upcoming iPhone 5, only for those guesses to be completely invalidated as the new iPhone 4S was announced.  Though, the most shocking announcement had had very little to do with upcoming products, and instead focused on the death of Steve Jobs, the visionary who founded the company and in whose garage the first personal computer was built. 

  

For Jobs it never seemed to be just about what technology could do, but how it looked, and how people reacted to it.  After building the first boxy looking Macs of the eighties and early nineties, Jobs went back to the drawing board and created sleek and beautiful electronics, which worked in thoughtful ways that most other manufactures hadn’t even thought of.  He pioneered the candy-colored iMacs, and changed the way we listen to music with iPods.  He made people yearn for the latest incarnation of the iPhone, and made us consider selling our body’s plasma so that we can afford an iPad.  More than just producing products he has built an army of loyal consumers; who will press their noses to the glass walls of every Apple store they pass. 

It is sort of odd to be speaking of Steve Jobs in this column that is regularly about celebrity culture, but he has sort of become a celebrity in his own right.  I’m just personally hoping that the drawer-full of lovingly used until they were broken iPods I have procured over the years, have gained some resale value in his passing.  I cannot for sure say that any of them were personally touched by Mr. Jobs, but I also cannot prove that they were not.  I’m hoping to make at least a couple thousand dollars on Ebay, because as I said earlier I really don’t want to have to sell my plasma to buy an iPad.  Trust me when I say that Mac nerds will buy almost anything with that famed half-eaten apple on the back.  I know because thanks to Steve Jobs, I am one of those nerds. 

Pop Cultured: Michael Jackson Trial

Preface: I know I haven't blogged in some time, I'm just too busy.  I know that's not a good excuse, just as it wasn't the other hundred times I've said it.  Between school work and my work at my university's newspaper The Contraband, I literally have no time, nor the urge to write anything else.  To hold you over until a time when I might be more willing to write something again, here are some pieces that originally appeared in The Contraband.  I write a weekly pop culture piece, sometimes they are funny, sometimes they're not trying to be.  Although I think if you look hard enough you'll see some of me in there.  I hope you enjoy them, as I'm posting them one right after the other.

   Conrad Murray the man accused of the wrongful death of beloved pop star Michael Jackson, has finally gone on trial for his alleged crimes.  It’s not hard to believe that this is turning into one of the trials of the year, as Michael Jackson news has been permeating our collective consciousnesses since his death.  The reason for this is obvious; Jackson was simply our template for how talented people seem to fall down the hardest.

  I do not believe that Murray is wholly innocent, nor do I believe that he is wholly to blame.  Clearly Michael Jackson had a dependency problem that was only rivaled by his talent.  Which of course begs the question, why is it that so many talented people that we’ve decided to turn into celebrities, have dependency problems?  Is it the fast paced lifestyle of millions of people caring about you?  Is it the money and fame that enables you to pretty much do whatever you want which leads you to your own destruction?  And if this is the case, why are we looking to blame someone other than Jackson for his death?  Clearly he knew what was happening, when an audio recording has been recently played in front of the jury which shows him crying out for the drugs that killed him.  

   That is not to say that I believe that Murray is without fault.  Obviously Michael wasn’t injecting himself with lethal doses of Propofol (although a large part of Murray’s defense hopes to prove that the final dose which killed him actually was administered by the pop star).  Clearly Murray is partially to blame, even in a world where many celebrities go “doctor shopping” to find the medical professional who will administer the right drugs for the right price; a world in which Jackson would have likely found someone to do it if Murray were unwilling.  Murray still enabled Jackson to do things that were highly unethical, and highly dangerous, for which he should be held accountable. 

   

We live in a society that holds celebrities in a higher ranking than politicians, higher than religious leaders, higher than teachers, mothers and fathers.  I believe that even when most people assume that Jackson was in some way responsible for his own death, they still need to hold someone accountable.  You just don’t get over it when the person who moon walked his way into your heart, gets ripped away from you just as it seems he may be coming back.  It’s probably good for Murray’s sake that this trial is being judged by a jury and not by public opinion; because it’s highly likely he would have been hung two years ago. 

Pop Cultured: Nicholas Cage

Preface: I know I haven't blogged in some time, I'm just too busy.  I know that's not a good excuse, just as it wasn't the other hundred times I've said it.  Between school work and my work at my university's newspaper The Contraband, I literally have no time, nor the urge to write anything else.  To hold you over until a time when I might be more willing to write something again, here are some pieces that originally appeared in The Contraband.  I write a weekly pop culture piece, sometimes they are funny, sometimes they're not trying to be.  Although I think if you look hard enough you'll see some of me in there.  I hope you enjoy them, as I'm posting them one right after the other.

Have you heard that Nicholas Cage is a vampire?  Actually, let me start from the beginning.  Have you heard that Nicholas Cage has been living for hundreds of years, during which he has somehow tricked the general populace into turning him into a celebrity and lavishing him with riches?  If this sounds ridiculous, that is only because it is. 

    

This rumor cropped up when a man living in Seattle tried to sell a picture on the auction site eBay for one million dollars.  The picture in question was taken in 1870, and damn if its subject doesn’t look exactly like Nicholas Cage.  The picture is so uncanny, that it’s easy to believe that it isn’t a real picture at only, and instead a clever use of viral marketing for some future project in which Cage plays a vampire who feeds on Civil War soldiers.  Of course the internet has run off with this rumor as it is wont to do, and has turned Nicholas Cage into the undead. 

  Although I do not believe in vampires, I do believe that there is something weird going on.  If Nicholas Cage is not a vampire, then how did he become famous in the first place?  If you’ve ever seen one of his films you’d have to assume that he was feeding on the casting director, putting them in a deep enough trance to let him in front of the camera.  Vampirism is about the only explanation for the long-faced, gravely-voiced acting we’ve been forced to endure since the eighties. 

  

  And if Nicholas Cage is a vampire, than it’s probably true of many celebrities and notable people.  How else can you explain the fact that the cast of Jersey Shore has permeated our lives, if it’s not because of the supernatural?  I’m going to go ahead and start a rumor right now that that Snooki has been parading around her over-tanned, big haired self for centuries.  And what about Sarah Palin, who is clearly the most blood thirsty individual to come into public conscienceless in recent memory?  You can practically see her fangs glistening when she mentions President Obama, and this stands as the most probable reason why. 

Vampirism also explains why Lindsay Lohan is still among us.  If alleged alcohol and drug-use can’t kill her, it is clearly only because nothing but a wooden stake can.  I would attempt to attach the stigma to Lady Gaga, if only so that she has a rumor about her other than the fact that she was more than likely born a man; but sadly there is just no evidence to this as she has some modicum of talent, and therefore didn’t need to be a vampire to become famous. 

So if you believe the internet, vampires are indeed among us.  Not only are they around, but apparently we are paying them to entertain us.  Which begs the question, why are we still allowing anyone with an extra fifty-five dollars a month have access to the internet?

Pop Cultured: Scarlett Johansson

Preface: I know I haven't blogged in some time, I'm just too busy.  I know that's not a good excuse, just as it wasn't the other hundred times I've said it.  Between school work and my work at my university's newspaper The Contraband, I literally have no time, nor the urge to write anything else.  To hold you over until a time when I might be more willing to write something again, here are some pieces that originally appeared in The Contraband.  I write a weekly pop culture piece, sometimes they are funny, sometimes they're not trying to be.  Although I think if you look hard enough you'll see some of me in there.  I hope you enjoy them, as I'm posting them one right after the other.

   If you’ve been online at all in the past week, you’ve either already seen or heard about the recently leaked photos of Scarlett Johansson.  The photos hit the internet on Sept. 14, 2011, and flew around the world like a vicious strain of gloriously naked bird-flu.  Hours after the outbreak Johansson’s lawyers demanded that the hundreds of high-profile websites that had posted them, take them down at once.  As everyone knows, there is no quicker way to make sure everyone sees something than telling them that they can’t.  Johansson’s lawyers have contacted the FBI to address concerns that the pictures were stolen from her iPhone.  The hackers alleged to have been involved with Johansson’s case are believed to be associated with the past phone-hackings of celebrities such as Jessica Alba, Vanessa Hudgens and Mila Kunis.

    

 Imagine you’re Scarlett Johansson for a moment, won’t you?  You’ve been in a handful of big budget movies.  You’ve been married to Ryan Reynolds.  The general public agrees that you are both mildly talented and wildly beautiful.  You should have no need for validation from anyone.  So, why would you take naked pictures of yourself?  To show them to someone else, so that they can tell you how good you look?  What is the thought process behind that? 

   Though, this most recent case of a celebrity’s naked portraits getting out into the general populace does at least seem to be different from the others.  It doesn’t smack of desperation as Vanessa Hudgen’s literally hundreds of nude photos, in which she appears to be auditioning for any pornographic magazine that will have her, did.  If Johansson’s photos were legitimately stolen from her, then it is easy to understand her embarrassment and outrage.  Though, it does seem odd that a celebrity as widely known as Johansson would be foolish enough to take photos of this nature in the first place. 

   It’s obvious that sexting is a widespread epidemic at this point; the public service announcements played on radio stations during every commercial break, admonishing the behavior proves it.  But are people really taking that many naked pictures of themselves?  There is pretty much no reason for this behavior.  If you need someone to see you naked that badly, you should go to their house and take your clothes off.   Unless you want strangers to see you naked (which they will, because these things never stay private), then you should become a stripper, rather than take naked pictures of yourself.  Even if you don’t have the daddy issues normally associated with the exotic dancer, it’s still a better idea than letting people see you naked without your permission.  So let Scarlett Johansson be a lesson to us all before we press the shutter button.