No thanks.

The next time I get a pop-up ad for a dating service, or sexy singles, or over thirty somethings looking for love, or must I say it: porn, I am seriously going to have a conniption. If I wanted to date someone, I would. If I was thirty years old and still single, I probably would have killed myself by now anyways. And if I wanted to see someone's naked flapping penis next to someone elses thirty something year old vagina, I would just go to my uncle's house. So really "TrueMatch.com" and "SexyBabies4U.net", thanks for the sentiment; but no fucking thank you.

Class rules.

Tomorrow is my first day of classes for this semester. I am making a running check list of things that I will, and will not do this semester.

I will not skip. Good students go to class daily, and so will I.

I will not send text messages in class. Although I will read them if they are sent to me, because if I didn't that would just be downright rude.

I will not listen to ipod during class time. I will remember to turn ipod on hold, so that one good Hilary Duff song that I have on my ipod does not begin playing in the middle of class. This has happened before, do not let it happen again.

I will make it a habit not to get up and leave in the middle of class for a smoke/snack/phone call, moment. I just won't. And if I do, I at least will have the decency to come back to class when I am done.

I will also make a habit to sit far away from the door so that I do not have the urge to leave in the middle of class time, through it. Reasoning behind this is that, I would hate to make a lot of noise as to distract the class or notify the professor to my departure, being far away from the door makes this a lot harder to do.

I will not dance or sing in the elevators. You remember what happened last time you did that, and that semi attractive girl walked up to the opening elevator door, mid ass-shake. You remember how mortified you were.

Sing it.

Isn't it scary how the things that we used to revel in, now are the things we shy from? Isn't it odd how there used to be some things or some people you felt so safe with, and now you could actually run in pure emotional terror from just their memory? Well, you're preaching to the choir.

A moment.

All I have to say today is that sometimes the things in your life that you don't want, are the things you need the most. Sometimes life just has a way of letting good things happen to you. Today, I think I'm ready to start letting those good things happen to me.


Next week is my week, afterall.

Once

I once knew a woman in her forties. She had tightly permed red tinged hair, and a quivering chin with a nice smile. Her eyes lit up the world behind her glasses, and her clothing choices always looked comfortable. She used to pick me up for school in the morning, and sang LeeAnn Rhimes songs to me. I once spent the night at her house and we stayed up all night watching television and making Power Rangers cut and bake cookies. She used to make Sheppard's Pie, and cakes. Whenver I sat down next to her, she would always play with earlobes between her fingers. She had a loud laugh, and a brighter smile. She used to make me smile. She was my mother's best friend, and my father's favorite sister. She was my Godmother too. She used the word "fricking" in every possible sentence she could. On New Years Eve when I was in the seventh grade she died after a long battle with colon cancer. Her name was Georgia. And sometimes when that old Ray Price song comes on, I get a little bit sentimental. I think of her red hair, and her glasses, and her voice, and her humor. I think of what it meant to know her, and what it still means to have to say goodbye to her. She once told my dad that the worst thing about dying would be that she wouldn't get to see me and my sister grow up. I hope that I'm making her proud. I really love her.

I once knew a woman in her seventies. She had white frosted hair, but bleached it often. She was always dripping in gold, and diamonds. Excess was her one rule. If she wanted something, she had to have it, in every color and every size imaginable. She was generous and loving. She was unconditional in both. She didn't care about what you wanted, it didn't matter the cost, or the means to be able to get it, she always got it. She would go out of her way to do anything for anyone. She was relentlessly spending, and loving. When I was younger I used to sit on the floor besides her chair in her living room, and she would run her hands through my hair, and tell me how much she loved me. With her, I never had to guess about anything. She was blunt, and honest, and wonderful. I loved every little thing about her. She was my great grandmother, but a mother to my own mother. She lost her daughter last October, and after that she just gave up. She was so stricken with grief and sadness she no longer wished to go on. She died in July. I will always remember the little lessons she taught me about being polite, and proper, and how to tell the carat weight of a diamond. I really love her.

I once knew a boy who was about ten years old. He was my cousin, but moreso he was my friend. He had diabetes but nothing slowed him down. He had short brown hair and big wire rimmed glasses. When he died, I was only seven. My parents told me that the night of the funeral I asked them when he was coming back. I asked them if he'd be able to come over the house again. That story still makes me want to cry. It's been a very long time since he died but sometimes it's like he's never left. Sometimes when I look at his picture, I see him in myself. He drowned at a friends birthday party, while no one was paying attention. It was pointless and horrible. When I was in the seventh grade I stumbled upon the boy who's party he was at in the first place. He didn't even seem sorry. And even though he'd be about twenty two years old now, I will always think of him as that ten year old that I went to go see Batman with. Always. I really love him.

Twinned.

Have you ever heard of that crazy siamese twin that think she's Reba Mcentire? It's totally true. She's a thirty something year old siamese twin, and her one and only dream (besides the obvious one of not being a siamese twin for the rest of her life), is to be Reba Mcentire. So she changed her name to match her idol's and put's on really bad karaoke shows, where she sings Reba songs out of tune, and out of key. She covers her twin with a blanket so as to act like she's alone on stage. What you've never heard of her?


I should totally tell you about it sometime.

Hallmark Haiku Sendoffs

Just a short bitter, angry, haikus to my personals.

To best friend:

Thanks for moving away
I now know what it means to
make my own decisions

To best gay friend:

Thanks for getting me
asked not to return to
Labeurge De Lac Casino

To best friend who happens to be female, but I sometimes forget that she is:

Thanks for sitting there
not acting when you should, it's
staring you in the face

To former best friend:

Thanks for forgetting
that I ever exsisted
means the world to me

To my exes (Believe it or not there are more than one):

It wasn't your messed
up teeth or your bad hair it
was just your personality

Speak Your Mind Out Loud

Me: What are you doing?
Him: I'm speaking in my native language.
Me: And what would that be?
Him: Satanism.
Me: I thought you were Vietnameese?

I resolve.

I have decided this year I will not make pointless New Year's resolutions that I will never stick to such as: losing weight, or to stop cussing so damn much. I know I will never do these things, so instead this year I am only going to wish for attainable things to befall me. And they are as follows:

To eat more cookie cake.
To listen to more Carrie Underwood.
To obtain a Tivo.
To watch more T.V. (I.E. American Idol)
To smoke less.
To cuss more.
To fall deeply, utterly in love, head over heels, even if the person who has all of my affections doesn't return them.
To pop less fireworks at Labeurge De Lac Hotel and Casino, because I am no longer welcome there. Oops.

Don't be fooled by the locks that I got.

Yesterday I was told that I have and I quote: "Perfect News Anchor-Man Hair". I'm not exactly sure if that's a compliment or not considering that most of the anchor men on the Lake Charles local channel are wearing hairpieces. Oh..and I guess that's it.

Update on Comments:

Has any0ne else noticed tha I've been bitching constantly about never getting any damn comments on this site? Well it turns out, I have been. Blogger decided to like hold them hostage so that it could "moderate them" or something. So anyways, thanks for all the comments y'all. Sorry.

The Best and Worst

I guess this is an after New Years kind of post, but I know that if I put it off 'till then, it will never ever be written. For I am a selfish bitch when it comes to my own time. Sorry, really I am to subject all of you to this so early, but here it goes:

The Best and Worst of 2005

The Best Day of The Year: I know it's kind of hard to pinpoint one excellent day out of three hundred and sixty five mediocre ones, but I'm going to try anyways. I'd have to say that July Sixteenth was a particularly good one. If I remember correctly I spent my whole day making money, and then purchasing "Harry Potter: And The Half Blood Prince" at midnight. I'm sure there were better days, but this one just stands out, and I can actually pin a date on it.

Interesting/Horrible fact: Dumbledore totally dies in this book.

The Worst Day of The Year: For me this year, the worst day deffinitely has to be June the fourteenth. Only about two weeks after my birthday. This was the day that my Grandmother died, and I'm still having a hard time coping. I know that's so melodramatic to say, and at least it wasn't like my Mom or Dad or something but still. I really am incapable of coming to terms with leaving people behind, or saying goodbye. It really is not my strong suit, at all.

Interesting/Sad fact: The Song "My Way" by Frank Sinatra was played at the funeral. And to this day, all you have to do is play this song and suddenlyI'm a raging ball of emotions.

The Most Mediocre Day of The Year: Absolutely has to be this one. It started with absolutely no breakfast, two finals, and finally throwing up spectacularly in my car. It was totally horrible, I even had vomit in my hair. Oh, God...I think I'm getting sick again just thinking about it.

Interesting/Funny fact: I called in sick to work today, and might have a wild night of debauchery anyways.

The Best Moment of The Year: The creation of the Syrup. Enough said.

Interesting/Stupid fact: It happened at IHop.

The Worst Moment of The Year: A few hours ago, when I realized there was vomit in my hair. Ew.

Interesting/Disgusting fact: It was so gross. And my car smells like cheetos now. Not that I would know, I've just been told.

The Best Book I Have Read This Year: It's a three way tie between: "Harry Potter: And The Half Blood Prince" by: Judith Katherine Rowling; (See: Above), "Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl" by: Anne Frank, and "Star" by: Pamela Anderson. It's really a toss-up folks.

Interesting/Sickening Facts: I have so far reread "Harry Potter: And The Half Blood Prince" approximately twelve times. Also, a good friend told me that I was "sex-obsessed" because I bought "Star". More on that in a later post though.

The Worst Book I Have Read This Year: I'm not exactly sure of the title, or the author; but none of that is really that important anyhow. All that I remember about it is that I read it while on my evacuation "vacation", and it was about a woman journalist whose mom almost died. She then lied to the father she had never known, pretends that she's writing a book about him; and then somehow inexplicably has sex with her own half brother. Disgusting, Disgusting (Try to catch the in-joke there).

Interesting/Horrible Fact: The period of time in which I read this book was the fucking worst time of my life. That is all all on that though.

The Absolute Best Album Released This Year: I would say "Britney Spears Greatest Hits: My Prerogative" but that is not techincally true since it was released last Novemeber. I'd probably have to say "Mariah Carey: The Emancipation of MiMi" or "The Black Eyed Peas: Monkey Business".

Interesting/Illegal fact: I didn't even buy "The Black Eyed Peas: Monkey Business", I downloaded it.

The Absolute Worst Album Released This Year: This total heineous cd I saw by someone named "Lorenzo Owens", because every time I see it I'm reminded of that horrible movie "Lorenzo's Oil" I was forced to watch in tenth grade Biology, and how the main actor repeatedly through himself down stairs to show emotion.

Interesting/Stupid fact: That Lorenzo Owens cd? Yeah I deffinitely hid it behind a Britney one so no one could buy it. Not that anyone would want to, but still.

..There may be more, I haven't decided.

Him: And I saw that bitch ******* (name edited to protect the Irish), and she was all "Hey Son! Aren't you glad to see me?"
Him: And I was all like yes *******, you're like the sperm in my penis. And that is why I masturbate every day to get rid of you.

Just A Short Memo:

To the guy in the blue car who honked his horn twice and then proceeded to flick me off today in the Starbucks parking lot: Don't think for a moment that I didn't memorize your lisence plate number and am currently trying to get your charged for child molestation.

Feliz Navidad To You Too, Bucko.

Did I mention to you that I'm a server? Well, a waiter. Not that I wait on people that much, most of the people I know are quite punctual, except for Son Tran, but that is another story all together. Anyways the other day I was serving right? And I got this table, and of course because God thinks that my life should be as much like a bad sitcom has humanly possible I got the only table that doesn't speak a word of English. Now I'm not saying that I have anything against all non English speaking people or anything, because I totally don't. Anyways long story short I ended up having to play a great long game of mime with him to figure out what it was that he actually wanted, I also played a small game of pictionary where I pointed at a drawing of a burger, and inquired the toppings that he wanted on his sandwich. The entire time this exchange was going on, in my head I could hear myself saying "Jordan, you better be nice to him because somewhere in his jacket he's totally hiding a camera to show the complete and utter injustices that non-English speaking people are faced with daily, and you will be in the center of a national debate on Entertainment Tonight if you are rude to him."

So, I was nice as possible. I really am quite a nice person actually when I want to be. You should get to know me, I'm quite amazing really. Anyways, he finally was able to kind of sort of order, and I later gave him his food. Not too long after he finished eating his chicken sandwich and his double chocolate shake I brought him the bill, hoping beyond hope that he at least new American currency. Which he thankfully did. He gave me exact change, and here is the meat of my story. The bastard didn't tip! Did I not just spend fifteen minutes expressedly trying to understand you? I mean come on, it's not like you're the easiest table I've ever had or anything. I mean, come on you're in America now. And in America it's fifteen percent or get the fuck out of the restaurant.

Or at least that's how it is in my America.

Just Call Him ED

Him: " So, she has to do that whole Scarlet Letter project for English, right? The one where you have to think of a sin that you committed, and then wear the letter all around the school for a week?"
Me: "Yeah?"
Him: "Well, she was asking me what she should do..."
Me: "Well, what did you tell her?"
Him: "I told her she should use Erectile Dysfunction."
Me: "Uhh..."
Him: "But then she said that Fierro said it couldn't be anything sexual"
Me: "Well Erectile Dysfunction is about as far from being sexual as it could possibly be."

Sunday Morning

It's Sunday. I love Sunday's, and for completely unreligious reasons. I mean don't get me wrong I like church as much as the not loving catholic church kind of guy, it's just Sunday has so much more to offer. For instance the very best thing to do on a boring Sunday afternoon, is look back on the week that is coming to a close. This week I did a lot of really awesome things that could either get me A) incarcerated, B) in trouble with my parents, or C) a Nobel peace prize. For example I went to no less than two porn stores this week, with best Asian friend. I'm not so much on porn, the accessories are what I go for to look at. Did you know there's a forty pound purple vibrator called "The Great American Challenge?", let me drive that home for you forty pounds is like the size of my dog "Buddy". That's like sticking an entire fully grown sheltie into your vagina. All beastiality references aside, I'd just like to say that the world is a much better place for things such as this "Challenge" existing. Trust me on this one. I did other outlandish things as well, that I won't bother to write because no one comments on this damn thing anyway.

You never know

One day when you decide that finally after all of your scattered thoughts, and sighs; you'll finally know exactly how you feel about something or someone. One day everything as you know it will change and there you'll be sighing and thinking, and wondering what to do all over again. One day you won't be able to make up your mind.

Trust me on this one.

I've decided that if you really want your life to be complete, you must see the major motion picture: Rent.

Maybe you should rethink that:

The next time you go on a speil about "making nice", and being "offended because I can't be around you", maybe you should think first. How can you be offended, when the first time you get the chance there you are talking about me again? The next time you talk to my sister, and wish her happy birthday remember that you have no right to say nice things to her, when you're only saying bad things about me. Remember that at the end of the day, your words don't mean a thing. But, what do I know? I'm just immature. Let me start by telling you that peice of information I passed on to one of our friends, wasn't exaggerated by me, it was exaggerated by the source. If I had known that, I probably wouldn't have even said anything. I just told him because I thought you were on another one of your malicious tirades to hurt someone else. And if you think for a second that posting things of me singing is going to "ruin my life" then think again. I couldn't care any less. If you feel like that's what you need to do, do it. It's been almost a year,maybe you should grow up and move on. Seriously, I don't care if you have a new boyfriend you're clearly still hung up. Seriously, I have said this so many times, but I just want to live my life without you in it. If that means me being "immature" by not wanting to be around you, then you should respect that. If I have no desire to be around you, it's only because of the things you do. Your immaturity only proves me right. So keep on, keep it up. Two can play this game, but I can promise you I won't.