I'm sorry but...

The weather is finally turning cold outside, so be that as it may I'm going to attempt to bring to your attention a growing epidemic that is sweeping the nation: Nipples. Sure you'll say, "But Jordan everyone has a pair, what's the big deal?" I'll tell you what's the big deal. The weather is cold, and believe it or not your nipples know it. Try to hide it from them as you may, but seriously they're not that stupid. They realize that the weather is reaching freezing points, and they know how to salute. So please do me a favor slutty girl in Nebraska, and you overweight Magic card playing nerd: cover them up. A bra, a jacket, your arms. Anything will do really, as long as they don't have to be assaulting my eyes, I'm cool with it. Seriously. Ask your brother, your mom, your drug dealer; they'll all tell you the same thing. Put those nipples away.