I have no patience for illness

Remember how a few days ago I mentioned that I had a fever? Yeah, well that's not getting any better truth be told. For the past few days I've been surviving off of Theraflu and hope. I've been reading a lot. If you're looking for something amazing to read, try these which have kept me company for the past few days.

"Paper Towns" John Green
"The Book Thief" Markus Zuzak
"Let it Snow" John Green, Maureen Johnson, Lauren Myracle"
"We Thought You Would Be Prettier" Laurie Notaro

Fever In The Morning, Fever All Through The Night

I think I'm running a low grade fever right now. Which is fine, I've always liked the word fever because it reminds me of both sex and horrible things like sweating. But I love how many awesome things the word fever is associated with. You can have Scarlett Fever, or Yellow Fever, or maybe even Fuchsia Fever if anyone gets around to naming another disease after a color. Although now that I think of it, it mostly just sounds like a name for lip gloss but at least it's an alliteration so it has that going for it. You could also have hay fever, or Saturday Night Fever, you never know things might even come to a fever pitch. There are a lot of terms associated with the word as you can see.



I wish I could blame my fever on the movie I saw this morning. I wish I could say, "Oh, I wasn't feeling my best and wasn't able to resist." But sadly, none of that is true. I was just fine this morning when my friend called me and asked me to go to a movie with him. I was all for seeing "W" which I was hoping would be a good excuse to make fun of George Bush for two hours. Instead he decided that we would be seeing "High School Musical 3: Senior Year". At first I put up a bit of resistance. But then I figured I could just spend two hours whispering to him that anyone else in theater that was old enough to work a search engine had see Vanessa Hudgens vagina. That was enough to get me through purchasing the ticket at the very least. I also figured if nothing else I could count the times that Disney tried to subvert the minds of eight year old girls by showing Zac Efron's nipples (in case you were wondering the number is three.)



I'd like to say I hated it, but in reality it wasn't that bad. It was a sparkling look at what a cold and calculating company like Disney can turn high school into. I'm not exactly sure what there reference point for those four years was, but it was nothing like my experiences. I wish for once someone could make a movie about a high school experience that got close to getting it right. First of all no one dances and sings in the hallways (Well that wasn't exactly true for me, but I'm unpredictable like that.) But most importantly I wish someone would realize that the loserish kid never becomes attractive and fucks the hot girl. It never happens, ever. As far as I know it will never happen except for maybe after college when that loser makes his first million and that hot girl does him in hopes to get a free pair of new boobs. But I mean honestly who do they think they're kidding with this shit? They are setting up nine year olds everywhere for disappointment.



I've got to be honest my fever is really setting in now, I completely forgot where I was even going with this train of thought. Whatever.

The Google Searches for Dog Sex Are All Going to Point To This Post

I am not sure why no one ever told me that you should not donate blood on an empty stomach. I have heard of may food related rules, including but not limited to:

1. Never grocery shop on an empty stomach or you'll find yourself with twelve packs of Little Debbie snack cakes, and fourteen pounds of T.G.I.F. frozen quesadilla roll ups. Which of course is a satisfying diet for a crack addict but maybe not one for someone who could probably stand to lose a few nine hundred pounds like myself.
2. Always wait thirty minutes after eating before swimming. Otherwise you will more than likely sink to your death, and as you drown instead of having your life flash before your eyes all you will see is that roasted chicken leg with a side of mashed potatoes that you just consumed.
3. Never drink dairy products with seafood. I'm not sure if this one is actually true or if my parents just paraded it around as such because if you think of it, it really is an awful combination. And I'm sure when I'm a parent I'll say the same because there's no way I'm cleaning up fish sticks and 2% milk out of the new berber carpets me and the future wife just had installed last month. Actually come to think of it I doubt I'll ever serve my children fish sticks, because they are in fact disgusting.

But oddly enough no one ever mentioned the food rule that could potentially cause me bodily harm some two decades later when I go to donate blood for the second time in that last three months. No one said, Jordan make sure you eat a hearty meal beforehand or you will more than likely pass out. Actually, come to think of it my parents didn't say anything about me donating my platelets other than the fact that they think the thought of giving up your blood to someone else is horrible. I swear my mother acts as if instead of helping someone with my precious O positive I'm going to the LifeShare office to get free heroin.

But I digress no one told me of the unforeseen perils of donating without eating. So six hours later I'm still feeling nauseous, and dizzy. And in the haze of my low blood sugar I just cannot help but feel like something isn't right in my world. I feel like I'm always getting knocked down, and just as I pick myself up again someone throws a discarded banana peel from a 1920's vaudeville act under me, and I'm back on the ground. Sometimes it feels like the world is trying to show in dominance over me by humping my leg like an oversexed German Sheppard.

Actually that raises an interesting point right there. Have you ever actually seen two dogs have sex? First of all it's disgusting, but also it's hilarious. Because it's almost never two dogs of roughly the same size. No it's always this Rosie O' Donnell sized mammoth of a dog humping the ever living shit out of a Olsen twin sized one. But beyond that, the one doing the heavy thrusting usually always has the audacity to lose interest half way through and starts to look bored. You can almost see the motherfucker pantomime looking at his watch to check the time, it is ridiculous.

But that is exactly how I feel the universe has been treating me lately. So I just want the universe to know that yes, I get it. You are the alpha male, I don't need you to dry hump my leg or pee on me to mark your territory. I get it, you are in total control. you will decide if I have a bad day, or an amazing day, or if I die tomorrow. It is all up to you, and I am just a mere pawn in your bigger plan. I am simply a mere peasant trying to run amok in your playground and I'm sorry for that. I will try not to get in your way any longer. I will step aside and let you do your dirty to me as long as you can make me a promise that soon this will all stop. That one day soon I will be able to stand up once and for all and have no fear of being knocked back down again. So if you swear that eventually that will happen for me, you can get your rocks off on me as often as you like. Just promise not to do it on my favorite pair of jeans. I'd imagine dog semen is hard to get out of denim.


Editor's Note: I have no idea how I went from the rules of donating blood to talking about dog sex. So please just excuse me on that one, won't you?

A Warning

Tonight I saw the major motion picture "Blindness", not because I wanted to lose eight dollars to a film I had never heard of but because someone insisted that we see it. Let me just start by saying, that you should not waste your money. It was easily the worst movie I've ever seen. And though I usually kind of like bad movies, this was a complete exception. I hate using the obvious joke here, but I really would have preferred to be blind than to watch this again. Although that wouldn't even help, because even the soundtrack was horrible. Even the high points of most movies being violence and nudity, were bad in this movie. The five sex scenes were not in the least bit sexual, including the seven minute long blind orgy. Just utterly awful all around. So do me a favor, do not go to the theatre to see this. Do not buy it when it comes out on DVD, or bluray. Resist the urge to pick it up two years from now in the five dollar bin at Walmart where I know it will inevitably end up. Do not watch this movie with a mouse, do not watch this movie in a house. Just don't watch it okay? Okay. Thanks.

Someone owes me eight dollars.

This Will Be The Day That I Die

Why I'm a hot mess:

Yesterday I spent thirty two dollars on an abysmal lunch of sushi. This lunch was served by a guy whose house I once went to, where we discussed him passing out and cumming in his pants.

I spent the night with my sister discussing the getaway scene in "The Sound of Music", Reba Mcentire's dwindling vocal range, and the benefits of Tina Fey impersonating Sarah Palin.

I broke my ipod this morning, and am fighting with apple to get it replaced. From now on October the fourth will be referred to as the day the music died.

I miss my best friend something fierce-like. Sometimes you don't realize what a good thing you've got going on until it doesn't live across the street for nine months out of the year.

I am badly in need of a haircut. It's getting to the point that someone needs to physically restrain me and bring out the scissors as I writhe and scream protests.

Yesterday I went to Sonic, and didn't tip the not so attractive waitress a dime. Tonight I went to get a cherry limeade and tipped the very attractive waitress four dollars. I cannot believe I'm that guy.

Because I'm writing a list on why I'm a hot mess, instead of trying to do anything productive with my life. Goddamnit.

Stand Up

I like it when things are stable. I like being sure of what's going to happen day in and day out. But I like things crazy too. I like not knowing what's around the corner. I like the excitement of never knowing what will happen next. Today the House defeated a bill for a 700 billion dollar bailout for our nation's financial system. And now, even though that world is far away and disconnected from my world, I feel unstable. I feel like things might be out of balance for a while. And it scares me to think that supposedly the greatest, and most independent nation is going to let things go so unchecked. It worries me because it feels like the only good idea that George Bush has ever had in his entire residency in office has been thrown out. And this is coming from a guy who doesn't have a whole lot of great ideas. And if we can't trust our government to bail us out, or get us away from a bad situation who can we depend on?

And although this situation could lead us into a recession so deep that we end up in a depresion unseen by current generations of people, I feel like there is something more important here. Doesn't congress realize how this is affecting ME? I think they should be a little less selfish and think of me for a change. In fact I think as a nation we would be a whole lot better off if everyone just thought about my feelings for a change, Goddamnit. I will not stand for a world that doesn't think about me once in a while. I just hope that come November someone will stand up for change. That someone will stand up for what they believe in, and vote for what they think is right. I hope that someone does something right, for a change. I'm tired of living in uncertainty. But I am certain that it is time for something different.

I'm voting for Obama.


Also I was mostly kidding about America thinking of me once in a while, they should be thinking of me ALL OF THE TIME.

I Wrote This Two Years Ago (Can You Even Deal?)

I was restless, foot tapping, coffee sipping. I couldn't stop myself. I sat there with my dirty hair, and my wrinkled blue jeans. Porcelain coffee cup in my hand. It's delicate, with a blue flowered pattern along it's base. The coffee is hot, and I can feel it through the thin porcelain surface. I am restless, and am growing bored with my life. I take a sip, and it burns on the way down . I try to swallow and small tears form in the corners of my eyes either from the heat or something else that I'm trying not to think about right now. And through them I see something completely different.

A different world. A different life, in a different time. A world where well dressed people make polite conversation, whilst concealing their snide remarks. A Victorian age, when women wore petticoats and men had finely combed mustaches. A world where coffee was served every day at the same time. Where soft, buttery pastries were passed around on silver trays. The women gently fanning themselves in the Summer heat, the sunlight pouring through the windows and glinting off every surface. A slight sheen of sweat on their foreheads, their dewy skin looking less like porcelain with every unimaginably warm sip. Then men sit and talk about business, while the women talk about the men. And everyone is talking, and everyone is talking about everyone else. It's a dangerous world to live in I'd imagine. With just the wrong words spoken, reputations are ruined, fortunes are lost, families fall apart.

I feel like I'm getting farther away from it now. It's a world I don't belong in, and I know that. But it's not that much different from my own. With just a few wrong words, you can easily ruin a family. You can break the delicate bonds of friendship and trust with just a few slip ups. It doesn't take much for me at least. So I ruin my relationships like a badly worded bull in a china shop. And as I realize this, the porcelain cup falls from my hands and hits the floor. It shatters into a million little pieces. They sparkle, and glitter over the granite floors. They cling to my hands as I try to pick up the pieces. And I can't help it, and I can't change it. And I can't move to that world of polite conversation, and I can't say I'm sorry enough. Not because I don't know what to say, I've just run out of words. I have completely run out of words.

The Postarita List

I've been writing this for a while, adding something else to it every other day or so. But now I think it's done. I can't think of anything else I want to do or accomplish in my life. So, I give to you my Life List. I tried to make a list of things that weren't all that far out of reach that way if I don't do all of them, I can only blame myself.

See the Mona Lisa
Start going to church on a regular basis instead of only on holidays
Put my feet in every ocean
Spend a month in France
Attempt to relearn basic French
Adopt a child
Become a foster parent
See a Broadway musical
Meet Ms. Spears
Get into People magazine one way or another
Drink a latte from the original Starbucks
Visit a vineyard
Be the best man in someone’s wedding
Be a Godfather
Write a novel
Submit a piece to either GQ, Esquire, or Details
Have a dirty water hot dog in New York
Write a truly amazing song
Learn to play the guitar
Learn something beyond playing scales on the piano
To sing the national anthem at a sporting event, whether they want me to or not
Give a eulogy
Buy a really nice, vintage camera
Get married in a cathedral
Audition for a play
Read the Bible, no matter how much it bores me
Eventually get down to one cuss word a day, and even that in only dire circumstances.
Attend a masquerade ball
Be a chairman for a charity
Donate 10% of my salary to Aids and Cancer related charities
Donate blood on a regular basis
Finish school
Go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans
Move out of Louisiana
Go and visit Bryant at Northwestern before he moves away
Write a screenplay
Attend the Grammys
See Kathy Griffin live
Take a ballroom dancing class
Buy the perfect suit
Have a perfect Body Mass Index
Play “Dirty” by Christina Aguilera at my wedding reception
Have a daughter, name her Emma
Have a son, name him Gabriel
Have a life altering conversation with a complete stranger
Go back to Graceland, and this time take notes
Take a cooking class
Find a way to get into Pink’s cell phone
Join an adult choir when I feel like an actual adult
Do something completely irrational and out of character for once
Drink an entire bottle of champagne by myself
Have a cocktail with an old friend in an upscale bar in Manhattan
Own a loft apartment
Own a miniature Pomeranian named Brisket
Sing at someone else’s wedding
Have someone sing to me

If I accidentally happen to do one, I'll let you know.

It's Nothing But My Way

For the first time in a long time, I find myself being genuinely happy without much reason at all. And more so I find that this happiness isn't because of someone else. Maybe I'm finally starting to be happy with exactly who I am. And, I can't help but feeling that something good is coming just around the corner. And, for the first time in a long time I think that I'll be ready when it comes.

Home Sweet Lake Charles

I live in a small city. To be honest compared to the wide sprawling, concrete laden cities that most people are used to I live in a village. Compared to other places, we all live in huts and wipe our asses with tree bark. It's limiting, and sometimes stifling. I've always treated Lake Charles like the slutty stepsister I never had. She kicks you when you're down, she sleeps with your best friend. She passes out drunk under your bed and throws up in your favorite pair of shoes. But after being away for five days from EVACUATIONPALOoZA 2008, I feel differently about things. After spending so much time in a dirty city in Texas I've come to appreciate the subtle beauties in my hometown again. I've come to appreciate the balmy afternoons, and the pouring rain every twenty five minutes. I'd even go as far to say that as of right now I might be a little in love with Lake Charles. In fact, I want to open mouth kiss it with tongue. No even better, I want to take Lake Charles behind the middle school and get it pregnant. And I do mean that.

Smaller Bites

I haven't been posting here a lot lately, because I haven't had any big stories to tell. But I do find that I've had a lot of small little snippets of stupid that don't really fit into a larger portrait of idiocy. Though, I'd still like to share them with you anyway just to get you through the day.

About a week ago, I broke my glasses and instead of going to the Eye Doctor because he's approximately four hundred years old and makes me nervous when he brings his arthritic hands near my eyeballs. Instead I took the lazy route, and just went out and bought the first pair I could find that that fit my current lenses. Now I'm stuck with a pair that very closely resemble Tina Fey's circa 1999. Also a little bit of Lisa Loeb. It's not a good look let me tell you.

I've recently spent a very confusing forty five minutes of my life looking for my Grandmother's teeth. Turns out she flushed them down the toilet. And although she very much tried to persuade me to take apart the toilet to retrieve them, I had to sadly explain to her that they were now far gone into the septic system. Now they're being shit upon by a turtle in some far away ditch. This kind of made me sad.

I have spent far too much time and energy reading articles on Wikipedia. If you know me even a little you'd know that I soak up pointless information just for fun. I revel in knowing completely inane trivia about movies, and actors and singers for absolutely no reason at all. I'll pretty much read anything if it's sits still long enough. I think this may be my one and only weakness.

I've been trying to pack for the upcoming HURRICANE EVACUATIONPALOOZA 2008. And I can't bring myself to focus for more than five minutes at a time. Every time I try to find an important paper, or a photo I get lost in the years of Jordan detritus that clutter my room. For instance I found my old Nintendo system and then I had to play it for two hours. I could barely control myself. And when I'm not busy playing 1980s video games I'm finding remnants of past friendships and people long gone. I'm finally realizing that you cant' always run away from these things. You can throw away pictures, and old letters, and birthday cards and gifts but there will always be something that remains. You can never truly do away with anything or anyone. It's sadmaking.

Possible Name Change

You know that if this hurricane Gustav does butt rape the Gulf Coast like it's promising, I might have to change the name of this site to PostaGustav. Just some food for thought.

Completely Unreleated Bigfoot Post 2

Me: I don't believe in lesbians I think they're an urban myth like bigfoot or that woman who took a dog home from Mexico only to bring it home and find out it was a rat.

Him: Of course there are real lesbians. What about (name omitted) or Rosie O' Donnell? She's a real lesbian.

Me: I think you're making a better case for a bigfoot than a lesbian there.

Bigfoot Post One

Has anyone heard about this bigfoot business? Apparently three men in Georgia have found what they believe to be one. More information can be found here. Call me skeptical, and maybe it's because I've just never believed in things such as this but don't you think that they just maybe found Rumer Willis Rosie O' Donnell Larry King insert your favorite ugly celebrity here?

It's Too Late To Apologize

My life is so boring right now that I have absolutely nothing to write about. So no new drama, no new funny. Sorry.

We're Blessed and Hung Low Like Bernie Mac

Rest in Peace Bernie Mac.





Also, I know I'm going to hell for using a quote from a Christina Aguilera song as my title. Or if not hell, at the very least I'll be reincarnated as a red headed lesbian named Twizzler. And if that happens, I'll know that I earned it.

Hot Shit of the Month August 2008

Today I was thinking how long it has been since I've posted some of my favorite things, and that's a damn shame. i wouldn't want to deprive people of the things that I personally love. But since I haven't actually bought anything cool in quite some time, I'll just post a list of songs that I think personally you'll love. Think of it as a "Celebrity Playlist" on Itunes, only by me not a celebrity.

Josh Hoge_Stay Away

I don't know who this guy is, but this song is amazing. He has this guttural kind of falsetto that I would kill for. Just Play it once, and see if you can stop yourself from playing it nineteen hundred times in a row.

Lady GaGa_Just Dance

I discovered this song a few months ago, but it's just now picking up airplay. It is soon to be the song that I loved like "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry before everyone started playing it, and talking about it nonstop. This is just as catchy as that one though, except with fewer lesbian references. Usually fewer lesbian references is a bad thing, but in this case I don't mind so much.

The Pipettes_Pull Shapes

I've got to be completely honest I have no fucking clue what this song is about, but I don't care. The Pipettes have this awesome retro feel to them. Whenever I listen to it, all I can imagine is a 1960's pool party, with awkward boy/girl dances around the pool and someones father grilling hot dogs on the barbecue. It's a good feeling.

The Saturdays_What Am I Gonna Do?

This is some random girl group from the U.K. I don't' really know much about them except for this song is oddly catchy to me. Check it out, and see for yourself.

Regina Spektor_Samson

I think I've probably put this song on one of my lists before but I just recently rediscovered it. It is so achingly beautiful, and soft. It makes me hurt in ways I can't explain. Gives me the same feelings that I get whenever I read "To Kill a Mockingbird" and "Looking for Alaska"

Gym Class Heroes_Cookie Jar

The best song about getting caught cheating since "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy back in the nineties. I love hearing about people fucking around and getting caught.

Solange_I Decided

This song is by Beyonce's sister, who I believe held the title of assistant manager at Burger King before her sister pulled some strings and got her a record deal. Nonetheless, she comes off even more cocky and self assured than her older pussy slinging sister. I pretty much love it.

I will add links to download all of these as I find them.

what the fuck is up with blogger?

V is for Vallerie and Virginity

Earlier this evening I was watching "Entertainment Tonight" which for the most part is not so much about entertainment as it is about Vallerie Bertenelli gaining, and losing, and then gaining weight over and over again. Or about the day to day tribulations of Carnie Wilson. Let me digress for a moment and see if I can get a show of hands of anyone who actually gives a shit about Carnie Wilson? That's exactly what I thought.

Though tonight in between Carnie and Valleie was a heartwarming puff piece detailing Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus singing a "Pledge of Purity" promising to remain a virgin until marriage. She then detailed how important she thought it was as a role model to young girls, to remain a virgin until marriage. Let me just take a moment to say...what? Since when is that what we've ever wanted from our Pop Stars? Am I completely mistaken in saying that we as Americans want them to pretend to be virgins but in reality be complete whores? We want them to be on the cover of Seventeen, and then a week later flash their peesh to the world. (Well maybe that's not the case for Miley seeing as how that would be considered kiddie porn.) But for the most part, that's what we've always wanted isn't it? Maybe it's just me. Forget I even said anything on the matter.

Family Interaction

Scene One
She lays on her bed, sheets wrapped in her lilac comforter. Her face is hidden though a few stands of dark brown hair peek out from the top. I hear her whimper softly, as I enter her room. She's refusing to go, she says in a muffled whisper. She refuses to do the things that they want of her. She refuses to see the people that she has tried so far to distance herself from. She doesn't care if she's doing it for someone else even if that someone else is her mother. It doesn't matter because she is too strong willed and defiant to be talked into anything that she doesn't want. She is steady, and strong but she's slowly cracking I can tell. I sit down on the bed beside her and pull the sheets back. She tells me that they lied to her, they said she'd never have to see them if that's what she wanted. They lied to her, and she can't forgive it. She can't see those people who said all of those things, ever again. She's too proud, she's too stubborn, and I know all of this. But I also know that she's just like her big brother, and she's about to break. Because we can only stay strong for a small amount of time. Eventually we're going to give in, and go out and face the things that we don't want to come within a hundred yards of. Not because we want to, not because anyone forces our hands, but because deep down we're good people. And as good people, we know it's the right thing to do. I tell her to just get up, and go get dressed so we can get it over with. She stalls for a few more minutes and eventually agrees. And as she's getting up to close the door behind me so that she can get dressed she looks me right in the eye and says "I hope you know, I'm going to be a total bitch for the rest of the day." But she didn't have to tell me, I already knew.

Scene Two
We walk into their small two story town house, a house that has seen it's fair share of shoddy repair work, and a total of sixty three ceramic statuettes in just the bottom floor alone. She moves to hug us, and we look to the floor for answers, as our hands move to our pockets. We've come because it's the right thing to do, but we're not bowing down. That's not how we do things. It never has been, we can't help ourselves. She looks awkwardly at us, and we stumble into the living room, and quickly take a seat on the sofa. He looks different than the last time we saw him four or five years ago. His face paler, his formerly large framed body, has turned frail looking. We are all seated, the TV is blaring in the foreground. Apparently Chevy Chase is trying to take his family on a vacation, and hilarity is ensuing. I can't take it all in. The ceramic angels, and the his pale face, and most of all Chevy Chase. I can't deal with it all at once, I could probably handle it all separately but not at the same time. It is too much, and yet it is so little. He is sick, and that's the only reason we came, and that makes me sad even though I know the reasoning behind it. She's sick too, but in a completely different way. A manipulative, and self serving kind of way. The kind of way that you never expect a grandmother to be. But that's the hand we were dealt. It's not without it's flaws, but they live their lives and we live ours. We go along our own separate ways every single day of our lives. And we only stop by when someone is dying. And he is dying, much like the fragile relationship between us died a few years ago. It suddenly strikes me between the awkward conversation, how little I care. I really don't care if he's sick. And it makes me a bad person, I know. But I really don't, it means so little to me that I am surprised. I am surprised that I could ever turn my back on someone, but I have, and I did. And, maybe I'm sick too.

Scene Three
We're a different kind of family now, the kind that we choose to be around. The kind that let me play with their two year old daughter, and their Pitt Bull puppy. And insist that I take home some movies to watch. The kind that tell me about the time they walked into our aunt's house and saw not only her snatch but also her vibrator. The kind of family who doesn't judge me for falling off my chair from laughing when they told me that last part. The kind of family that asks me for a cigarette and just sits outside with me while we smoke. The kind who talks about nothing, and everything at the same time. Between filing for bankruptcy and how all of us are guilty of watching Hannah Montana. And it's good to know that not all family members are basically just strangers that you happen to be related. Some family members are the kind of people that you'd probably want to be friends with anyway if they were just a bunch of randoms. And that's comforting. I think I'll go watch those movies now.