Thursday, September 27, 2007

A list of things that are exciting the fuck out of me:

Pay Day

The Halloween party I'm throwing at Natlie's house in a few weeks. Oh, and also the amazing Elvis costume I'm designing/making for said party. What you didn't know I was throwing a party? That's probably because you're not invited. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

No, seriously....payday.

November 20th because the DVD of the century is being released

November 13th because the COMEBACK OF THE CENTURY is being released

November 21st because the light of my life (no way, did I just write that about my sister, but no seriously) is turning nineteen

Christmas because I want a new fucking ipod realllllll baaaad

Oh by the way, I was just kidding about that Halloween Party thing where it said you weren't invited if you didn't already know about it. That's total bullshit, everyone is invited, have we ever met? Have I ever accidently run into you with my car? Have I ever shouted obsenities in front of you? (this includes most of the free world, and all of southern Louisianna). I want you all there, because I love ALL OF YOU. No, really that's total bullshit. I just want to rub it in your faces that I'm going to be FUCKING ELVIS.

Good lord, I can't even remember what the fuck I was writing about.

Peace out bitches

Monday, September 24, 2007

Dr. Shoalls

You know that old saying about "walking a mile in someone else's shoes"? Yeah, I always hated that one. I never imagined myself figuratevely "walking" in someone else's shoes to see how their life played out. Until today, when I started a new job and at breakneck speeds around my house looked for my black shoes. I searched, and combed, and tore the entire fucking place apart. I was livid, I was crazy, I didn't know what to do. I never found them, so I go to my father's closet and take his black shoes. This might not have been that bad of an idea if he didn't wear shoes two sizes smaller than my own. So let me tell you that I have finally walked in someone else's shoes....and it fucking hurt. I've got the bloody stumps to prove it.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Numbered lists are the enemy

I hate to go all lazy, and pull a list on you, but here at Postarita you get what you pay for. I'm always a good value.

Four people who as of yet have not failed to make me smile this week:
  1. Yesterday my father decided we need to do some work on my car and that he desperately needed my expertise (read: none), to help him. Help involved two hours of me standing there listening to him cuss at the "Goddamn motherfucking lug nut", which just so you know whatever a lug nut is...I have no clue. Also, this great important task involved me holding things. Apparently the ground, or the hood of the car couldn't be used for the same thing. No, I needed to stand there and do what I do best, which apparently is to hold things. But then I ended up putting them all down on the "FORBIDDEN DINING ROOM TABLE" and then he was all "Goddamn motherfucking Jordan." I really needed to hear this, trust me so do you.
  2. My mother has just decided that clearly she is the world's best singer. And even more so she is the world's best Justin Timberlake impersonator and clearly needs to do this about twice a minute. Although you should really hear her when she's sings "I'm bringing sexy back.....YEAAAAAAAHHH!" in her best middle aged white woman, posing as a young white guy, who wants to be a black guy impersonation.
  3. The other day I took my Grandmother grocery shopping. This is all well in good, I enjoy her she amuses me to no end. Or at least she did, up until the point where she's screaming obscenities in the middle of Market Basket because the "BROCCOLI IS TOO DAMN EXPENSIVE!". But what really made our shopping trip special, is when she decided that she didn't want to spend a whole $1.49 on a prepackaged bag of grapes. Oh no, that's much too many grapes. No, she just wants a part of them. So she opens one of the prepackaged bags, tears off what she wants and puts it into a plastic bag. And as I say "Grandma, I don't think you can do that." She looks at me with a loathing that should never cross a grandmothers eyes, and says "I'm eighty seven years old...who do you think is going to tell me no?" I swear to God, it was one of the scariest moments of my life. If you had just seen her sweet elderly face, turn all malicious over some grapes you would have nearly shit yourself too.
  4. Today Natalie and I were talking about how we hated ambulance sirens and how I thought that they should do away with them and instead just have a nice loud, clear voice, calmly say "PLEASE MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, PEOPLE ARE DYING YOU ASSHOLE!" And then Natalie confessed to me that every time she hears sirens she's afraid it's the po po, and she starts throwing shit out of her car and screaming "PROVE IT WAS MINE, BITCH! PROVE IT!"

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I like the word absurdly

For some reason in the past few weeks my site has become absurdly popular in Washington state. I mean ABSURDLY. You know it's important when I bust out the all CAPS. Apparently people in India dig Postarita too.

All I'm saying that is if you insist on reading, then I insist that you comment once in a while. That way I don't end up writing something that offends you. Let's be honest though, it's probably going to happen eventually. I'm just an offensive kind of person.

Also: This just in, there is currently a tropical storm heading for a Lake Charles near you as we speak. Winds of upwards of 75 miles per an hour are currently knocking on your door, knocking down your walls, more than likely molesting your children. I'm just saying, that "Hueberto" sounds like a sexual predator.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

God Damn It

I know I just made a header, but I pretty much hated that one. So here is another one already, like a week later. If you hate it, fine. If you love it, let's meet out back tonight.

And in case any of you were wondering "Postarita" is an eleven point score.

Saturday, September 08, 2007


So I made a new header, it's not exactly how I wanted it to turn out but what the fuck ever. I'll try again in a few days, and until then you'll just fucking deal with it.