Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Numbered lists are the enemy

I hate to go all lazy, and pull a list on you, but here at Postarita you get what you pay for. I'm always a good value.

Four people who as of yet have not failed to make me smile this week:
  1. Yesterday my father decided we need to do some work on my car and that he desperately needed my expertise (read: none), to help him. Help involved two hours of me standing there listening to him cuss at the "Goddamn motherfucking lug nut", which just so you know whatever a lug nut is...I have no clue. Also, this great important task involved me holding things. Apparently the ground, or the hood of the car couldn't be used for the same thing. No, I needed to stand there and do what I do best, which apparently is to hold things. But then I ended up putting them all down on the "FORBIDDEN DINING ROOM TABLE" and then he was all "Goddamn motherfucking Jordan." I really needed to hear this, trust me so do you.
  2. My mother has just decided that clearly she is the world's best singer. And even more so she is the world's best Justin Timberlake impersonator and clearly needs to do this about twice a minute. Although you should really hear her when she's sings "I'm bringing sexy back.....YEAAAAAAAHHH!" in her best middle aged white woman, posing as a young white guy, who wants to be a black guy impersonation.
  3. The other day I took my Grandmother grocery shopping. This is all well in good, I enjoy her she amuses me to no end. Or at least she did, up until the point where she's screaming obscenities in the middle of Market Basket because the "BROCCOLI IS TOO DAMN EXPENSIVE!". But what really made our shopping trip special, is when she decided that she didn't want to spend a whole $1.49 on a prepackaged bag of grapes. Oh no, that's much too many grapes. No, she just wants a part of them. So she opens one of the prepackaged bags, tears off what she wants and puts it into a plastic bag. And as I say "Grandma, I don't think you can do that." She looks at me with a loathing that should never cross a grandmothers eyes, and says "I'm eighty seven years old...who do you think is going to tell me no?" I swear to God, it was one of the scariest moments of my life. If you had just seen her sweet elderly face, turn all malicious over some grapes you would have nearly shit yourself too.
  4. Today Natalie and I were talking about how we hated ambulance sirens and how I thought that they should do away with them and instead just have a nice loud, clear voice, calmly say "PLEASE MOVE THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY, PEOPLE ARE DYING YOU ASSHOLE!" And then Natalie confessed to me that every time she hears sirens she's afraid it's the po po, and she starts throwing shit out of her car and screaming "PROVE IT WAS MINE, BITCH! PROVE IT!"


Kelli said...

Jordan, I think this is probably my favorite post of all time on your blog. It never fails to make me laugh.

Jordan said...

Thanks! I agree this is Jordan at his finest, and stupidest.