Monday, December 10, 2007

Beyonce Sells

Today as I was watching television out of nowhere I was bombarded by no less than four ads featuring one Miss Beyonce Knowles. Now, I know she's a hot commodity. I get it. But does she really need to be slinging a fragrance by Armani, new DirectTv, the American Express card, thousands of Cover Girl products, and the brand new (cleverly titled) B'Phone? Is it really necessary? I mean sure, she's irreplaceable, or bootylicious, or maybe America is just still crazy in love with her...look I get it, but really?

Well as long as she's throwing around her body for every product in modern knowledge I've come up with a few more for her to endorse:
Introducing "Beyonce's Eve!":

For girls (and some boys) who want their privates to be BEYONCE FRESH, comes the revolutionary new product from the people who brought you the Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden line of Trojan condoms (Specifically formulated to break during intercourse so that you too can accidentally on purpose get pregnant to skip jail time!)

Comes in these three rejuvenating scents:

Destiny's Douche
With the standout fragrance of magnolia and hair extensions, and two other scents that no one really ever pays any attention to. Everyone knows that they're there but no one really cares.

BenGay and Aspirin
This is a personal favorite of Beyonce's real life senior citizen lover Jay Z.

Beyonce Rain

Because Beyonce is too busy promoting every other product under the sun to be able to have time to come up with anything else that is original

Also, introducing the newest menu item from Kentucky Fried Chicken
"BEYONCE FRIED CHICKEN" or as the kids call it: "BFC"

As you may or may not know Beyonce has one of the best personal trainers in the business. Someone who is there to slap her on the wrist whenever she reaches for that ninth brownie. And that's why KFC is happy to announce BEYONCE FRIED CHICKEN, our first life of edible fried birds to be completely trans-fat, calorie, and carb free! With the tried and true recipe of eleven secret herbs and spices we now would like to introduce a new comer to the spice and herb market to our recipe. This new spice which is made out of detritus from Beyonce's never ending supply of wigs introduces a spicy undertone to our fried chicken that we think you'll fall crazy in love with.

We at Kentucky Fried Chicken would like to clarify a rumor that Beyonce Fried Chicken is actually battered and fried pieces of ex Destiny's Child members, and Rhianna. We would just like to go on the record to say this rumor is completely unfounded...we think.

There were more, but to be honest I'm too lazy to actually post them. Sorry, bitches.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

I am not that Jordan Gribble

I'd just like to say for all of those people out there searching on Google for a high school football player named Jordan Gribble, this is definitely not his site. We do not play, watch, or talk about football or any such sports that have to do with balls on this site. We do not believe in ball sports, in the Church of Postarita; sorry. That being said, you have found a Jordan Gribble, just not the one that you were looking for. Although I can definitely say that I am more than likely one hundred percent more literate, funny, and charming than any other Jordan Gribble that you could possibly be searching for. So you might as well just stop with all this football business, and come over to the Postarita side of life, bitches.

Hot Shit of the Month December 2007

I just realized that I haven't done one of these in months, so I'm getting on that shit right now. I can't think of any must haves as of right now, and I know that this is the season of getting, and giving. If I think of any material goods to surprise your loved one, or your Jordan I will let you know. However I do have a list of Christmas songs, that you all must have on your Ipod play lists this Christmas season. These songs are guaranteed to make you want to frolic in a nearby snow field, or decorate everything in your home with shiny tinsel.

"Hard Candy Christmas" by Dolly Parton
(interesting fact this is the only Christmas song that I know of that is actually about a group of prostitutes being separated from their whore house. Still, a worthwhile listen.

"All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
I usually don't like Christmas songs that are really just love songs disguised with some mention of snow, Christmas trees, bows, or a combination of all above. But this song is a classic.

"Another Auld Lang Syne" by Dan Fogelberg
This song makes me want to weep. Although not even technically a Christmas song, it is always played on the radio around this time. Instead of being about presents, or sex under the mistletoe this song is about an accomplished singer running into his ex on Christmas Eve and then getting drunk with her in her car. An all around good thing.

"My Only Wish This Year" by Britney Spears
The reason that this song is on the list, should be a no brainer really.