Monday, December 10, 2007

Beyonce Sells

Today as I was watching television out of nowhere I was bombarded by no less than four ads featuring one Miss Beyonce Knowles. Now, I know she's a hot commodity. I get it. But does she really need to be slinging a fragrance by Armani, new DirectTv, the American Express card, thousands of Cover Girl products, and the brand new (cleverly titled) B'Phone? Is it really necessary? I mean sure, she's irreplaceable, or bootylicious, or maybe America is just still crazy in love with her...look I get it, but really?

Well as long as she's throwing around her body for every product in modern knowledge I've come up with a few more for her to endorse:
Introducing "Beyonce's Eve!":

For girls (and some boys) who want their privates to be BEYONCE FRESH, comes the revolutionary new product from the people who brought you the Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden line of Trojan condoms (Specifically formulated to break during intercourse so that you too can accidentally on purpose get pregnant to skip jail time!)

Comes in these three rejuvenating scents:

Destiny's Douche
With the standout fragrance of magnolia and hair extensions, and two other scents that no one really ever pays any attention to. Everyone knows that they're there but no one really cares.

BenGay and Aspirin
This is a personal favorite of Beyonce's real life senior citizen lover Jay Z.

Beyonce Rain

Because Beyonce is too busy promoting every other product under the sun to be able to have time to come up with anything else that is original

Also, introducing the newest menu item from Kentucky Fried Chicken
"BEYONCE FRIED CHICKEN" or as the kids call it: "BFC"

As you may or may not know Beyonce has one of the best personal trainers in the business. Someone who is there to slap her on the wrist whenever she reaches for that ninth brownie. And that's why KFC is happy to announce BEYONCE FRIED CHICKEN, our first life of edible fried birds to be completely trans-fat, calorie, and carb free! With the tried and true recipe of eleven secret herbs and spices we now would like to introduce a new comer to the spice and herb market to our recipe. This new spice which is made out of detritus from Beyonce's never ending supply of wigs introduces a spicy undertone to our fried chicken that we think you'll fall crazy in love with.

We at Kentucky Fried Chicken would like to clarify a rumor that Beyonce Fried Chicken is actually battered and fried pieces of ex Destiny's Child members, and Rhianna. We would just like to go on the record to say this rumor is completely unfounded...we think.

There were more, but to be honest I'm too lazy to actually post them. Sorry, bitches.


Kelli said...

I love the tagline written in white at the top of the Beyonce's Eve label. This is hilarious, Jordan!

Also, I promise to stop commenting on every single one of your blogs. Am I coming across like a stalker? I hope not.

Jordan said...

Nooo, please don't stop commenting. If you don't...WHO THE FUCK WILL?

Natalie said...

you're so funny i love you

Kelli said...