Sunday, June 28, 2009

Be Careful What You Do, Because The Lie Becomes The Truth

I know I should finish telling you about my trip, although that was nearly a month ago at this point. Instead I will tell you about some of AWESOME and some of the REALLY FUCKING BAD things that are happening now.

First of all in about a month's time the single greatest person I have ever met is moving thousands of miles away. I haven't really been able to process that one yet.

The only thing that is getting me through it is knowing that on September 19th, 2009 I will be finally accomplishing my life goal of seeing Britney Spears IN PERSON BUT NOT SINGING LIVE. I can't tell you how motherfucking excited I am about that.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Colorado Part Two

To be honest there was more in Colorado than just aging hippies. There were young hippies too. This was mostly demonstrated in the city of Boulder Colorado which is a sleepy college town. I say sleepy because most of the people there can't pry their mouths off the end of their bongs to do anything too productive.

Although in all seriousness I saw some of the most ridiculous stuff in Boulder than I did on the rest of the trip. This ridiculousness includes an overweight twenty something college student dressed up as a jester and making balloon animals. Which wouldn't have been that bad because I'm sure there is a child somewhere who would actually be impressed by a dog made out of latex. But sadly for this child the jester kept accidentally popping his creations with his cigarette. He was a sad clown. I also saw a man playing the piano with his feet, which now that I think about isn't even all that interesting. For all I know maybe he had some kind of crippling disfiguring like Megan Fox and has toes for thumbs. I have no idea really.

By far the greatest thing I saw in Boulder was the exchange between a harmonica player, and a sleeping homeless man sitting on two benches facing opposite of each other. The exchange went something like this:

Harmonica Player: "Hey man, you play harmonica?"
Sleeping Homeless Man: "......"
Harmonica Player: "I play harmonica....and shit I make some good money."
Sleeping Homeless Man: "......"
Harmonica Player: "Man, I just play the way I feel....and I always feel sad."
Sleeping Homeless Man: "......"

I was actually eating at an outside table at a Cheesecake Factory when I witnessed this. I was laughing so hard, I could barely finish my weird ass chicken and pasta dish. Also side note: Why does the Cheesecake Factory have to be so god damned pretentious? They act as if they're curing cancer instead of stealing your money by selling you a slice of fourteen dollar cheesecake.

To be honest I shouldn't have been eating cheesecake in the first place because Colorado is known as one of the physically fittest states in America. It wasn't that hard to tell, seeing as how I saw droves of people everyday laden in spandex riding their bikes up a mountain. I can understand being active, God knows I've never liked it but I could see how someone might view it as beneficial. But why the mother fuck would you bike up a god damned mountain? Biking up a mountain is on my list of things I'd rather die than do right in between seeing my high school librarian naked, and Hugh Jackman as Wolverine clawing me in the nut sack. (I can't believe I just used the term nut sack.)

Also in that same category it was weird to me that Colorado had hardly any normal grocery stores. All they really had was a ton of "Whole Foods" which I've never actually shopped at but I'm assuming is really pretentious and gay. There's nothing wrong with eating organic I guess, I just can't say I'd ever decide to do it. Unless maybe they started making organic gummy bears, and Milky Way Midnight bars. I could get behind that maybe.

I was going to attempt to put all of this in two posts but it is getting out of control. The third installment will happen shortly.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Colorado Part One (Also My 300th post)

It has been nearly two weeks since my trip to Colorado ended. And although two weeks may be too long ago to still be talking about, that's exactly what I am going to do. And if you are not interested in hearing my amazing observations from over two weeks ago you can feel free to disregard the next ten million pages of awesome that I encountered.

I will start by saying that I normally do not enjoy leaving the comfort of my home. A trip to the grocery store or the mall is fine, even sometimes warranted. But being out of town for more than a few hours is usually intolerable for me. This is mostly because being away from home takes me away from the things that I do enjoy, mostly consisting of sitting on the couch watching "Wife Swap" pantsless. And though on this vacation there was a very capable television in our hotel room, I am not usually open to the watching of any television programming sans pants in the presence of my family.

Not that I would have even had time to that if I had wanted. Because of course we had to run this vacation like every other Gribble family outing which involves cramming nine hundred things to do every single day. I always thought vacations should be about taking enough Tylenol P.M. to knock out an entire city block of people, and watching free HBO in your hotel room. But apparently not so much, instead we ran the entire gamut of things there are to do in this mountainous state.

Did I mention how severely I hate mountains? It's not that they're not beautiful because they are in a very "all rocks look the same" kind of mentality. It's just that my body cannot adjust to being in any kind of change of elevation. This is probably caused by the fact that I am used to being in Louisiana which is approximately seven million feet below sea level. Believe it or not Colorado is about the same in the exact opposite direction. My insides just could not deal. I won't bore you with the consequences but let's just say that later in this story something will happen on a raft. And let's just say that this was not the first time that this specific thing had occurred on this trip. You will probably be able to figure this part out by the end.

The aspect of Colorado that I found a million times more exciting than the mountains was the sheer amount of hippies populating the area. I was almost positive that hippies were a dying breed that was replaced with racists and hicks but apparently all the hippies in all the world just packed up their hope for world peace and went to the mountains. This notion of hippies being so prevalent had not even occurred to me until I tried to get a cup of coffee in some butt hole town that we were touring (again for the god damned mountains.) Apparently normal coffee is not a luxury normally afforded to hippies. Instead they partake in some bullshit called yerba matte. Which I can only describe as looking like the dehydrated piss of a million mountain goats, and actually it tasted much worse. I was told by the barista that this drink was better than coffee because it and I quote "stimulated your metabolism, instead of your nervous system", as if I was going to take her opinion on anything seriously. She was wearing hemp, and absolutely no make up. So you know she was ass backwards, and buck nasty. She also went on to describe the typical way of drinking this finery was actually from a gourd. I'm sorry but if anyone who smelled like patchouli and bong water passed me a gourd and told me to drink from it I would immediately call the authorities. And also who the fuck cares if it doesn't stimulate your nervous system? What kind of pussy ass motherfucker gets the shakes from a god damned latte? And as if her bong smoking ass hadn't encountered much worse. Fuck hippies.

In our next installment you can look forward to even more run ins with the local free spirited sect, white water rafting, and the horrible flights to and from Colorado.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Tonight I went to the wedding of a girl I've known my entire life. She was the kind of family member who wasn't actually related to me in any sort of way but was always referred to as a cousin. I remember me and my sister spending the night at her house in sleeping bags watching Duck Tales (Does anyone else remember that? I fucking loved that shit.) I remember going on vacations with her, and spending every fourth of July in her pool. We used to play a game where we would sink to the bottom of the deep end and tried to see who could stay there for the longest. She almost always won. I never forgave her for that until now. It seems like so much time has passed since then, but she's only seventeen on her wedding day. She literally had to have her parents sign a permission slip to get married which is completely ludicrous. She should have looked so much older in her wedding dress, but the lacy edges only proved to make her look younger. I hadn't seen her in so long that when I leaned in to hug her, and tell her congratulations I remembered how much she was wrapped up in my childhood. As I saw her pose for photos with her new husband I realized how weddings are all about posing the way people want you to. I wondered how people figure out to stop posing, and to start living their new lives together. The whole night really made me wonder. Am I ever going to get to go through that? Am I ever going to get married, and have kids, who will one day have childhood friends that they will eventually go to the weddings of having the same questions? I hope so. God, I hope so.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

It's Jordan, Bitch

I am back from Colorado and I have lots of things to tell you including finery such as: herbal coffee drinking, wet suit wearing, stream face planting, white water vomiting, hippie seeing, jester balloon making, harmonica playing, airport security detaining, and the glorious story of my birthday. Stay tuned for the funny.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

The Birthing Season

My birthday is in two days. Please commence the merriment.