Thursday, August 12, 2010

Four Things Week Four

From this week forward, you can call me Professor Gribble.

    The head of the journalism department, and my academic adviser recently asked me if I would be willing to assist her with the incoming Mass Communications majors by helping her teach the required Freshmen Foundations course.  I was almost immediately pretty excited about this proposal because I almost always get excited about anything I might have to buy new clothes for. In my mind all male teachers wear sweater vests and checkered bow ties, coupled with the kind of pants I believe are known as trousers.  I immediately begin pursuing J Crew's website, but sadly did not buy anything because one of my forthcoming bullet points.

     But anyways, I am terribly excited about her offer because I think it's about time that someone has noticed that I deserve to be in a position of power and influence over malleable minds.  It's time that I begin to imprint my great fountain of knowledge on the youth of Louisiana.  Actually my teacher made it pretty clear that I would not be teaching the class in any capacity because apparently I'm not qualified.  Whatever, I'm pretty sure that I will be the sole instructor of the  class.  I believe that I'll get to assign homework, and to make tests. I believe that I'll finally be in a position where I can be sued for the sexual harassment of a student.  Sadly, none of this is the case though, as my professor mostly insinuated that I would be responsible for helping the students and answering questions about he workings of the University.  I would also be responsible for helping with the grading, and posting assignments and such on Blackboard.  That mostly sounds really boring, and something I wouldn't even be good at because I am prone to large stretches of ineptitude and indifference on almost every subject.

This week I hit the poverty line.

     I have been broke as a joke for the past two weeks.  I'd like to say because I was suffering silently after working hard and being able to pay all of my bills.  I wish I had spent my money on bills because then at least I'd know what the hell happened to it.  Sadly, I don't even have any bills.  None, I have no financial responsibilities whatsoever.  I never have, yet I have never been able to hold on to twenty dollars for more than an hour.   A lot of people say that you need money to make money, and I wish I could say I was taking all of the money I make and am turning it into some kind of money-spinning venture that will leave me flush with cash.   That is not the case in the slightest.  See, I don't know if you know this about me or not but I kind of have a shopping problem.  I don't mean that in a way that says I am materialistic or that I need the newest, hottest every things.  I don't really care about that kind of stuff to be honest.  I just have a problem in which if I see something and like it, I have to have it.  I cannot handle not owning it, and holding it, and taking it home.  If I see a shirt I like, I'll buy it in five colors.  If I want a candy bar, I'll buy five of them, and end up throwing three of them away.  I have a sick, sick addiction.  I blame my Grandmother.

     When my Grandmother was alive, she was the most generous woman I had ever known.  Generosity didn't come hard for her, as I believe her DNA strands were made out of hundred dollar bills.  She came from money, she had always had money, she shared her money with the people she loved.  She lived over six hours away, so when I did get to see her she'd celebrate my birthdays and Christmases and Chinese New Years by bringing me to the mall and telling me to buy what I wanted.  She never asked why I wanted a particular something, she never questioned my selections she would always just tell me to "wear it well", and handed over her credit card. I don't want you to assume that I had my hands outstretched waiting for her charitable donations, because that wasn't the case.  Though, having her around got me used to getting what I want.

    Honestly she probably had nothing to do whatsoever with my complete inability to stick to any kind of budget.  I mostly just wanted to talk about her.  I guess the moral of the story is that I can't be trusted with money.  I will absolutely blow it, waste it, give it away.  I may never grow up.

This week I have liked some things.


This week I was not a fire starter, nor a firefighter.

    I did not set the world on fire this week.  In fact if the world had been on fire I believe I would have feebly tried to put it out by peeing on it, and then have given up half way.   I then would have ignored the screams of the third degree burn victims and gotten back to my regularly scheduled nothing.   I think it's pretty clear that I tried to avoid doing anything at all this week.  I would have had nothing to write about if things just hadn't fallen into my lap.  I didn't actually do anything if you haven't noticed from the first three entries.  All of the things that did happen to me came from complete lack of participation on my part.  I didn't go after a mentor ship position, I was offered one.  I did not worry about budgetary concerns therefore I am broke.  See?  I did absolutely nothing this week.  Things just happened to me with no work or forethought whatsoever.  I wish I had been more productive, but in all honesty I'm not sure I'm ready for kids. 

Things that will have happened to me next week:
I will have seen my best friend who is coming in for a few days.
I will have gone to a training meeting for the mentor ship program.
I will have gone to rehab for drug and twizzler abuse.
I will have attempted to not be so useless.