Sunday, December 19, 2010


     You might not believe this because I post so infrequently, but I actually write for this blog quite often.  For some reason I always lose confidence in what I'm writing half way through, and never finish or post three quarters of what I write.  I went through some of those old posts tonight, and even though they are for the most part unfinished, I still think some of it numbers among the best things I've ever said.  Don't get me wrong, there's a reason why I never finished these things, sometimes they're just too personal, sometimes they make no sense, sometimes I recycle parts of them for other things I'm writing.  Though if it saves me from having to write anything original I'm going to show you some of them.  So, I am presenting to you these snippets, these bits and pieces of my life that have so far gone untold. 

Originally written 12/2/10

     Every time I begin to blog, I first read some of my old posts.  I don't know why I got myself in the  habit of doing this, because every time I read one, I have to then read nearly everything I've ever written.  I like seeing how I've changed, how my writing style has grown, how my jokes have become sharper.  I like the idea of growth, the idea that things always get stronger, bigger, better  I like thinking that there is no end to anything.  That talent grows, that people grow, that love grows.  There is no end to anything.

     I've been converting my parent's old VHS tapes to DVD, as part of their Christmas present.  Some of the tapes are filled with the mundane family gatherings that I always hated as a child.  The type where every single family member within in earshot of the camera is talking over one another, or saying something wildly offensive.But a lot of the tapes have childhood me in them.  I know this is going to sound self involved, but then again I am known for being self involved, but I love watching myself.  I like seeing the progression, the stretching out of my life in slower chunks of time.  I like the sheer fly on the wall aspect of it all. Some of the tapes I can remember exactly what I was thinking that day, how I was feeling. 

     I like to think I've grown, that I've changed, though I know that's not altogether true.  I am not any more intelligent than I was five years ago, ten years ago even.  I am not any more talented or quick witted than I was in those time frames of my life.  I feel like I'm nicer though, that I'm a little more .  I'm more observant of other people's feelings.

Originally Written 6/14/10
     I hate math.  I hate numbers, addition, multiplication, tangents, and cubes.  There is nothing good that can come out of subtraction or division.  I hate mathematics, because no matter how many professors of the subject claim that there are rules that help you get the answer to any given equation, the rules are always changing.  I don't like anything that isn't constant.  I've never understood math, and I never will.  Now, I'm not going to say that I think the square root of four is rainbows or anything, but it's still pretty bad.  Unfortunately I am taking a math class this summer, only because I hear that it is easier to pass in a shorter amount of time.  I still doubt I'll be able to do it, but I guess I can try.

      My hated for math has mostly been mostly based on the fact that I cannot understand it for the life of me.  This is a pattern in my life, I generally hate anything that I cannot understand.  This is most of the reason why I hate Mormons. 

Originally Written on 4/07/10

     I got contacts a couple of weeks ago.  I love them because it makes one part of me almost perfect.  I am no longer encumbered by wire frames and polycarbonate lenses.  That is freeing for me, to think that I can see without the aid of glasses. Though it makes me sad to think that I even need them at all.  It upsets me that I wasn't born with anything perfect.
     I've been feeling very unattractive lately. I know that doesn't sound all that important, but it's been plaguing me for weeks. I know that I should try looking inside for all that inner beauty bull shit, but to be honest I'm not sure I have any beauty inside me. In fact, all I have inside me are snide comments, and dick jokes. I'd like to say there's more there but that would be a lie. Oh wait, that's another thing I have in me...lies.

     I had a horrible biology teacher in the tenth grade. She was short tempered, and not all that intelligent from what I can remember. Once she even made us dissect a sheep's heart. It was disgusting, and I'm pretty sure I still don't know what the hell is inside of a sheep's heart. Though, I do remember learning one thing in that class. I do remember learning about adaptation, and how we all change to survive. We all pick up little survival instincts along the way that keep us steady, keep us alive.

Originally Written On 4/19/10

     It is a weird sensation to be alive. Though I've never personally been on the other side of life,I realize that the sentiment is true all the same. It is a weird thing to know that I am a living body, beating heart, and blinking eyes, and breathing lungs. It is an odd thing to know that I am stuck in an ever changing body. I am constantly getting older careening towards uncertainty. I will be twenty three in a couple months time.

I never even imagined myself becoming a legal adult, I thought for sure I would tie tragically young. I think that has something to do with my best friend dying when I was young. He died when he was only ten years old. I was two years younger, and I think subconsciously I always held in the back of my mind that if it could happen to him, it would more than likely happen to me. I held bated breath on my tenth birthday, knowing in the back of my mind that as soon as I blew out those candles some tragic fate would befall me. And when it didn't, I don't think I knew what to do about it. I know that sounds odd, as most of my thoughts do. But in that revelation there was an inkling I had that told me to be louder, bigger, better. I haven't always lived up to it, sometimes I am not as great as I would like to be. Sometimes I'm not as nice as I'd like to be. Sometimes I completely forget that people even exist. In fact that very thing happened last night...

Originally Written On 12/08/08

     I am notoriously selfish, I always have been. I've always been pretty much focussed on my own needs and wants, rather than caring all that much about anyone else. And though some might say that this is a bad charachter trait to host, I completely disagree for the most part. I believe it's all very survival of the fittest. I never really bought into the whole Darwinism thing, but I do believe that we are all hard wired to care for ourselves above all things else, because if we don't who the hell else is going to do it for us? Except for our parents, and the ocassional loved one not a single person really cares about you more than they care about themselves. I've always viewed it as basic instinct, just human nature. I just can't help it, I was built thi way.

     So I spend most of my days attempting to meet my every whim, damn the consequences. If I want something, I buy it no matter how ridiculously expensive it may be. If I want to say something, I say it loudly without thinking of hurting anyone else. I do what I want, I do what I feel. I do for myself, constantly.


Nomad said...

I hate math too.I always have. I just tell people I prefer not to use that part of my brain and it usually stops any further discussion of math. Although I always suspected it, I was pleased to learn that, a person can be nearly entirely ignorant of algebra or calculus and still lead an active, fulfilling life.

I encourage to post more often. The beauty of blogs is that do not have to be artful or perfect or deeply meaningful. It's nice when they are but it shouldn't keep anybody from posting the more mundane stuff. Genius, after all, was never supposed to be a daily event.

Estelle Darling said...

Inner beauty is overrated. I love that you are full of snide comments, dick jokes, and lies. I wouldn't have you any other way. :-)