Monday, March 10, 2008

Dear Palmer Candy Company,

I think there's something we should discuss. I know you're thinking what could I possibly need to say to a candy company? Besides the fact that I think it's pretty obvious if you look at any of photographs of my chin that I consume to many confections. But there is at least one that I will never taste. And that is one of your chocolate covered conglomerations you've designed for Easter and I am of course talking of the chocolate cross.

Look, I'm not a religious guy, I'm all about skipping church and only praying when I need something. I get it I'm a bad person. But that does not mean that I want to walk into Wal-Mart and see that you have decided that what kids today need in their Easter baskets is a cocoa covered crucifix. This is not okay. I mean, is nothing sacred to you people? What's next? We might as well make a chocolate topographic figure of Da Vinci's "Last Supper" or better yet what about a peanut butter filled, white chocolate representation of Jesus and his crown of thorns! You could even do the drops of blood in clotted strawberry cream! Or is that just too precious? I don't know, it's really your call guys. I mean if we have a chocolate cross in the world, where do we stop? Really? Can you tell me exactly what is going to be considered too much? Should I expect a marshmallow nativity scene in my stocking next Christmas? (On that note, if I do see any marshmallow nativity scenes in stores next Yuletide season I will find the CEO of your corporation, and cut him.)

But seriously, I'm okay with the Easter bunnies. I'm okay with the bubble gum eggs. I can even stand the hollow milk chocolate eggs with miniature chocolate bunnies inside! Which correct me if I'm wrong but aren't we just confusing children on the biology of rabbits here? Last time I checked rabbits don't lay eggs. Because I'm sure if they did we as people would try to find some way to make an omelets out of them. I'm almost positive. But I digress, stick to your guns people. Don't you dare step out of the well designated boundaries that society has marked out for you. We do want as many chocolate creations as you can produce, but do us a favor and leave Jesus Christ out of it.

P.S. I just stumbled upon your candy bar entitled "The Big Mo" now I might be wrong but isn't the abbreviation 'mo' usually used to describe a homosexual? So explain to me why your candy bar has a photo of a middle aged man on the wrapper above the words "CREAMY CARAMEL" Explain this one for me, because it's perplexing.

Your friend, Jordan


Kelli said...

I can't even pick a favorite sentence out of this post; I love it. However, I have never heard "'mo" used in reference to a homosexual before. Maybe I'm just out of the loop?

Jordan said...

You are just not in THE KNOW, on this one Kelli.

Trust me it's said. Also thanks for the adoring comments. I like having adoring fans who laugh at everything I say even when it's not that funny.

Also thanks for letting me try out these jokes on you at Walmart before trying them on here.