Saturday, March 01, 2008

Set Me Off

At the place where I have been getting my hair cut since I was five years old there is one of those large, yellow DHL drop off boxes right outside the door. As I was outside waiting for my father and smoking a cigarette after realizing that I look like an angry lesbian with my new shorn haircut (but more on that later) I was looking at the DHL drop off point. On the box (Which looked much like this one only bright yellow and with a signifigant increase in cigarette burns) it had a large label on the top that states "DHL DOES NOT ACCEPT DANGEROUS MATERIALS INCLUDING ANYTHING FLAMMABLE, CORROSIVE, OR EXPLOSIVE"

Well that is good news for safety I guess, but what does this mean for those thrifty terrorists who are just trying to watch their pennies? Would this mean that likely bomb senders would have to switch to the boys in brown at UPS? And would that even mean a savings or an increase in shipping charges? Well you no longer have to ponder the question because thankfully I did some research on the subject. With a little help from Google I found out that the average bomb weighs in at 6.5lbs. Now say someone was going to send a bomb (or any other package that weights roughly 6.5lbs) who would be the cheaper carrier? If you were going to send a package of that weight to anywhere in the world that wasn't thousands of mile but certainly not within walking distance who would be the more economical choice?

I chose Little Rock, Arkansas as my destination because first of all it's the title of a Reba Mcentire song, which sounded like a good enough reason for me, secondly it's in Arkansas and the only time I ever went there was some of the more boring parts of my life. So I figure if you're going to figure out the charges for an imaginary bomb it might as well go to Arkansas. So anyways if you were going to ship a package that weighs six point five pounds (which if you'll remember is the average weight of a bomb, not sure how this was assumed but it's the only figure I could find without throwing up some terrorists signals to the government. I'm willing to research but I'm not willing to be put on a list of possible suspects, bitches) to a distance from Lake Charles, LA to Little Rock, AK it would cost $43.86 for overnight shipping for DHL and nearly twice that much at $75.31 for UPS. So basically all I'm saying is that DHL is doing terrorists all over the world a disservice by not allowing them to ship their explosives via DHL. I mean are you really helping our economy if you can't even pass on the savings to possible mass murderers? I don't think so.

Editor's Note: I do not condone the bombing of Arkansas, or bombs, or violence at all actually.
Also just so you know, I am definitely not a terrorist so thank you and good night.

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