Friday, November 11, 2005

I promised

When I started Post-A-Rita, I promised myself not to show too much actual emotion on it. I promised myself that I wouldn't turn into the whinny bitch that I actually am, and just write about funny and ironies. I can't hold myself back anymore, I don't care if I embarrass myself or show too much. I really just can't care anymore.

So that said, I'd like to say that I can see you in public without that sinking sensation in my stomach anymore. I don't feel like the world has just been ripped out from under my feet. I don't feel like I can't speak, or breathe anymore. You no longer have that affect on me. I really, truly, am alright now. In every sense of the word. I'm growing as a student, as a writer, and hopefully as a human being. Yet, it's almost been an entire calendar year and it all still feels like yesterday. And I can't have a conversation with anyone without your name coming up, and usually not even by myself. And I hate that. I don't feel like being connected to your existence anymore. I wish people would just forget that it ever happened, and pretend that you and me were never anything so they don't feel the need to bring it up every five minutes. And though I still hear new things about myself that were said by you from other people at least once a week, I don't do that anymore. I don't talk about you, because I don't care. And the other day when I saw you at the place you work, I thought about coming up to you and saying "Hello, how are you?" But I couldn't bring myself to do it, thinking that you might just sneer at me and laugh. I don't have time for immaturity, or snide remarks anymore. And though I'm sorry for calling you "sir" that one time, I know that you wouldn't think twice of doing something similar. In fact, I know you didn't because all of your former friends have mouths, and all of their mouths report straight to me.

But anyways, don't read that if you don't want to. I'm not even sure why I wrote it, I just needed to get it out. I promise you won't see me whine anymore. Really, I swear.

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