Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I've picked the weeds, but kept the flowers.

I have always been a firm believer that if you think positively, the outcome will be positive. If you try to be happy, eventually you'll convince yourself that you are. So that's exactly what I've always done. I've always "I'm fine'd" everyone to death. I've always smiled and never looked anyone in the eye, and I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of saying one thing, but feeling another. I'm not trying to say that I'm in a depression or anything, because that definitely isn't the case. But I feel like for the past three or four years something has just been missing from my life. So I friend hop, and I job hop, and I do bad things looking for the one thing I feel like I'm missing, and I never find it, and I'm tired of searching.

I'm tired of saying "yes" when I feel like saying "no"; I'm tired of just living my life, when I want to be living out my dreams. I'm tired of being who you want me to be, when you want me to be it, and where you want me to be at. I just turned twenty one years old today, I am supposed to be a grown man, but instead I just feel like a boy. A boy who's not always sure of himself, a boy who doesn't always know what exactly it is that he wants. A boy who still hasn't got it figured all out yet. And that scares the shit out of me. I'm twenty one, aren't things supposed to be clear to me by now? What to I have to do? Do I need to start going to church? Do I need to stop cussing and smoking so much? Do I need to renounce Britney Spears? Look, I might be willing to do all of those (except maybe the Britney Spears thing), if it would mean that I would know my place in the world. All I'm looking for is a sign, an answer. Anything really. And I'm hoping someone out there can give it to me.

Editor's Note: I'm also tired of people berrating me for my over and incorrect use of commas and semicolons. If you happen to have a problem with either of the abformentioned grammatical errors, fuck off.

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