Thursday, June 07, 2007

To Whom It May Concern

When I write angsty Dear John, letters on my blog I like to be as ambiguous as possible. I like for the people who actually know me not to be able to tell whether or not I'm writing about them or not. Let's just get this straight, if you think it's about you it probably is. If you have a guilty conscience, then you already know what you did. I don't have to repeat myself over and over. But I'm going to anyways. This one won't be so ambiguous because it talks about specific events that a specific someone will know all about. So here it goes.

I want to say thank you for calling me today. I know you probably didn't want to, but I also think you thought it was the right thing to do. And that shows me that maybe just maybe you might be actually growing up. I don't want to hold my breath or anything, but you never know stranger things have occurred. I also want to thank you for making small talk with me for a few minutes. For a few moments it almost seemed like old times. Maybe it wasn't a ruined friendship maybe it was just a two month vacation that I never booked for myself. But either way, it was nice. But what I'm about to say is not. You said you'd call back, and I don't expect you too, more so I'm not sure that I want you too. I know that sounds bad, and childish maybe but I just don't think I can put myself through that again. I can't talk to you, and hope that maybe just maybe you would "forgive me" for something no one but you is even sure I'm guilty of. I don't want to have those short awkward conversations that lead into hanging out, that lead into drunken phone calls in the middle of the night, that lead into hurt feelings and me being left out. I can't do that again, so I'd rather that you just don't. Just do me a favor and spare me the drama.

That being said it was nice to hear your voice, and it was nice to know that you're not spiraling out of control or anything. I want you to know that even though our friendship didn't work out, I really do wish you the best. I really do hope you find love, and happiness, and lots of new Britney Spears material. I really do (although the Britney Spears thing is just as much for me as it is you.) I wish you no ill, and maybe one day we can have a conversation about what went wrong, but that day can't be today. And it can't be tomorrow or sometime next month. It has to be on my terms, and it has to be when I'm ready, and to be honest I'm not sure I ever will be. But that being said, if ever there comes a time in your life when you can't trust anyone, and you have no one to turn to, you can talk to me. And even if we're not talking then, you can call me up and I'll do my best to help you through. It's what I know how to do, and I'll do it again to the best of my abilities. You are one of the best and worst things that has ever happened to me. I can credit you with changing me a lot, some for the better some for the worse. You can make me laugh like no one can. And I miss that, I hope you know. I know I'm just rambling on and on now, but some times these things are like a stream of conscience. Once you get your fingers to the keys you're never really sure of what may or may not come out. I hope you don't get angered or anything of the like when you read this because it wasn't my intention at all. I just needed to let you know some things, and I couldn't think of any other way to say them. But I guess what I really want to say is thank you. So thanks.

Hope you're well,


No comments: